by Rita Rudner
- "All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names."
- "I rationalize shop. I think a lot of women do that. Like, I buy a dress because I need change for gum."
- "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
- "I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
- "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- "I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."
- "I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
- "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
- "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- "If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious."
- "If I can't have it all, can I atleast have some of yours ?"
- "Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle."
- "Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do, because their clothes all button and zip in the front."
- "Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
- "Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano."
- "My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."
- "My mother buried three husbands . . . and two of them were only napping."
- "Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."
- "Saleswomen hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing too: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
- "Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
- "The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic."
- "The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."
- "They're trying to put warning labels on liquor saying, 'Caution, alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women.' That's ironic. If it weren't for alcohol, most women wouldn't even be that way."
- "We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
- "You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."
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