Standing in line at my favorite coffee shop the other day, I found myself more than a little grossed out over the person chewing gum next to me. They weren't just chewing. They were chomping. It was like a chainsaw in their mouth. I'm not kidding. Those jaws were working overtime squishing and gushing that wad of white stuck in that mouth. Yes it was white. I didn't just hear it. I saw it. I was witness to a bunch of white teeth, a pink tongue and a spongy piece of goo moving all over this person's mouth. And the spray coming off this mouth. Major Ick.
As I made my way to the front of the line, I could still hear that chomping. My appetite and my need for caffeine had dissipated. All I really wanted to do was get away from chop-a-saurus-rex.
There were two registers open so Chewbacca started to order. A long order. One that went on and on. Sadly, the barista behind the counter couldn't hear a word this guy said. Not only was his gum hindering his words. They guy was talking to the display case.
It went a little like this:
"Hi. What can I get for you this morning?"
Squish, squish, squirt. "Gimmy ona doze there."
"Sorry", says the cashier, "what was that?"
"Disth chng." and points to the case, chomps down hard and sprays the glass.
"One of our breakfast sandwiches? Which one is it you prefer?"
"Huh?" Squish. Squirt. Now the squirting spit is directed at the barista. "Sqore un."
"The square one? Our bacon breakfast sandwich?" Wiping spit off his face.
"Nawh. Hmmmm. Annn a cpchno. Hhhhhaaaa.....smmm un."
OK. A ham (More like Haamm, with emphasis) sandwich and a short cappuccino. Anything else?"
Feeling the need to interject here, I was amazed that the barista behind the counter could interpret this. It was really quite impressive. I could tell, however, that he was kicking himself for asking if he could get another item for this guy.
"Not a cpchino. A frupchino. With an F like food, friend."
"OK. Sorry about that. A Frappuchino. What size and flavor would you like?"
"Idunno. Watcha got?"Again he's not looking at the barista, he's looking around the store like he's trying to decide where to sit.
I couldn't take it anymore by this time. Not wanting to embarrass the barista, I looked at Chomper and asked, "please, please, look at this guy when you talk. Between the gum in your mouth and not directing your conversation to him, he can't hear you or understand you. Nobody can"
The guy was simultaneous baffled and embarrassed. Thankfully he wasn't rude.
"Oh, sorry." Then he took the gum out of his mouth and held it in his hand.
ICK!! Really big ICK. But oh well. He looked at the barista, made his order, paid and went to the next line to await his drink. Of course he also put the wad of gum back in his mouth and chomped away while waiting.
"Thanks. I wish I could say something like that," the barista said.
"Don't worry," I replied."I'll say it again in my next article."
And here it is.