It seems to be a problem that is never really addressed before the wedding. I’m not talking about the potential disaster of joint bank accounts, or how you’re going to combine all of your “stuff” with his “stuff” in minute size closets. I’m not even talking about making sure your cat Lady Fluffy gets along with your new husband’s dog Brutus while you’re on your honeymoon. Those are minor considerations compared with the one thing we never consider until after the “I Do’s.” I’m talking about the one word that can wreak serious havoc in a new marriage-I’m talking about… in-laws.

Movies like “Monster-in-Law” and “Meet the Parents” don’t do real justice to the problems that in-laws can cause in a marriage. They are, after all, comedies. But in reality, a bad relationship with an in-law can have serious repercussions for years to come in a marriage.

We all know horror stories of mothers-in-law who can bring their sons’ wives to tears on holidays or fathers-in-law who make their daughters’ husbands feel like a prize idiot whenever they get together. Like pieces from different puzzles, the family members do not seem to match.

How can this disaster of “mis-matched” in-laws be resolved? Here are a few tips for before and even after the wedding.

Meet disaster head-on. This means that avoiding unpleasant situations time and time again solve nothing. If you feel there’s a problem between your in-laws and you, try to resolve it immediately. Make a point to talk about it first with your husband or wife, then with the in-laws. Be pleasant, polite, and blunt. State how you feel, or what you’ve observed and, be fair. Don’t pick on every little innocent remark; it has to be important.

Have respect; expect respect. Try, really try, to be the type of person you, yourself, would like to be around. Be nice, but don’t be a doormat. Respect them and expect the same treatment from them.

Don’t use your children as weapons. Never state, even in the heat of anger that, “your parents will never hold a child of mine!” It helps no one, certainly not your kids, to know that if Mommy or Daddy don’t like Nonna and Grand-Dad or Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop, Little Cate or Little Will can’t visit them.

Be fair about holidays. Yes, I know it is a royal pain to have to visit both sets of in-laws on holidays or to have them over to your house, but try to do it anyway. If it absolutely impossible to do so, make sure you make a nice long call on the holiday and make an effort to see them as soon as possible. Spliting holidays; one at one set of in-laws, one at the others, can sometimes work. However,make a nice, happy call to the ones you won't be seeing.

The Italian phrase, “Guarda tua lingua” (watch your tongue), says it all. People may forget the fact that you arrived very late for a dinner or that you wore white to their wedding but no one ever forgets hurtful words.

If you're a second spouse, and they loved, absolutely loved, their former daughter-in-law, speak openly about it with them and your spouse. Let them know that you're the wife now and the past is the past.Do not, however angry you may be, disparage or be nasty about the "first" wife.

And, remember, the in-law you may have a problem with is the parent who gave you the person you love. Never take out your anger at them on your spouse.

And if all else fails, remember-
Sacred Jude, Spirit Guide, is the patron of Hopeless Causes!!