- "The lack of money is the root of all evil."
- "The low level which commercial morality has reached in America is deplorable."
- "We have humble God fearing Christian men among us who will stoop to do things for a million dollars that they ought not to be willing to do for less than 2 millions."
- "Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals."
- "Necessity is the mother of "taking chances"."
- "Nothing is made in vain, but the fly came near it."
- "No man is straitly honest to any but himself and God."
- "The new political gospel: Public office is private graft."
- "Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it."
- "Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth."
- "None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favor at the same time. There are many asses."
- "Nelson would have been afraid of ten thousand fleas, but a flea wouldn't be afraid of ten thousand Nelsons."
- "Optimist: Day-dreamer in his small clothes."
- "Optimist: Day-dreamer more elegantly spelled."
- "Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness."
- "Obscurity and a competence. That is the life that is best worth living."
- "The ordinary chestnut can beget a sickly and reluctant laugh, but it takes a horse chestnut to fetch the gorgeous big horse-laugh."
- "An occultation of Venus is not half so difficult as an eclipse of the Sun, but because it comes seldom the world thinks it's a grand thing."
- "Pessimist: The optimist who didn't arrive."
- "Prosperity is the best protector of principle."
- "Prophecy: Two bull's eyes out of a possible million."
- "Public servant: Persons chosen by the people to distribute the graft."
- "Patriot: The person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about."
- "The real yellow peril: Gold."
- "Slang in a woman's mouth is not obscene, it only sounds so."
- "Senator: Person who makes laws in Washington when not doing time."
- "Some of us cannot be optimists, but all of us can be bigamists."
- "There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist."
- "Taking the pledge will not make bad liquor good, but it will improve it."
- "To create man was a quaint and original idea, but to add the sheep was tautology."
- "There are many scapegoats for our blunders, but the most popular one is Providence."
- "To be good is noble, but to show others how to be good is nobler, and no trouble."
- "The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction."
- "The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right."
- "That George could refrain from telling the lie is not the remarkable feature, but that he could do it off-hand, that way."
- "Vote: The only commodity that is peddleable without a license."
- "We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles."
- "What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it."
- "Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions."
- "When a man arrives at great prosperity God did it: when he falls into disaster he did it himself."
- "We can't reach old age by another man's road."
- "My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you."
- "What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin."
- "We often feel sad in the presence of music without words; and often more than that in the presence of music without music."
- "We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess."
- "Wherefore being all of one mind, we do highly resolve that government of the grafted by the grafter for the grafter shall not perish from the earth."
- "You can straighten a worm, but the crook is in him and only waiting."
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