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Funny Football Quotes

Players, coaches, commentators, writers and comedians - everyone seems to have something funny to say about football. Following is a collection of humorous quotes about the game of football.

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
~Joe Theismann

"Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers."
~Merle Kessler

"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
~Erma Bombeck

"The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
~Phyllis Diller

"Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it."
~Luke Salisbury

"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."
~Dave Barry

"When I played pro football, I never set out to hurt anyone deliberately - unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something."
~Dick Butkus

"Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important."
~Eugene J. McCarthy

"Watching football is like watching pornography. There's plenty of action, and I can't take my eyes off it, but when it's over, I wonder why the hell I spent an afternoon doing it."
~Luke Salisbury

"Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental."
~Doug Plank

"Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
~Duffy Daugherty

"Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings."
~George Will

"You have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four."
~Dan Birdwell

"If my mother put on a helmet and shoulder pads and a uniform that wasn't the same as the one I was wearing, I'd run over her if she was in my way. And I love my mother."
~Bo Jackson

"We can't run. We can't pass. We can't stop the run. We can't stop the pass. We can't kick. Other than that, we're just not a very good football team right now."
~Bruce Coslet

"College football is a sport that bears the same relation to education that bullfighting does to agriculture."
~Elbert Hubbard

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