If you've been secretly pondering yourself this question, but haven't had the courage to ask, read on. Here are some common questions and answers about saving marriage.

Call all marriages be saved?

Not all marriages should be saved, but if both partners are willing to create a new reality for their relationship, then all marriages can be saved. The only time a marriage ends is when one or both parties decide it is over and file divorce papers.


Why shouldn’t all marriages be saved?

Some marriages involve partners with dangerous personalities who will not respond to rehabilitation. Staying in this type of toxic and hopeless relationship is unhealthy. Others may be forced into arranged marriages against their will; clearly, they should be allowed to exercise their free will to continue or end this type of marriage. There are other viable reasons to end a marriage.

Can you be married legally and not have a real marriage?

People often say they don’t have a “real” marriage when they mean that they don’t have an “ideal” marriage. To have a “real” marriage, you must be bound by law, legal or spiritual. If you are legally married, you have a real marriage; if your union is recognized by your spiritual or religious institution, you’re married. Whether it is a good marriage or not, you’re still married according to the law of the land or spiritual law.


Why does marriage change relationships?

Because partners change roles and expectations of each other. Your expectations of a boyfriend or girlfriend are very different than your expectations for a husband or wife. When people talk about marriage “responsibilities,” they’re referring to all the duties that they expect their spouse to fulfill. Thus, marriage becomes burdensome and constricting. A freewheeling boyfriend doesn’t have to live up to your expectations of anything.


Can a marriage survive infidelity?

Typically, yes. Once the initial pain, anger, and disillusionment ebb, a couple can work toward rebuilding trust. The reason for the infidelity and a person's ability to forgive will influence the healing process to a large degree.


Should a couple stay together for the sake of the children?

It depends upon the marriage relationship. If the couple is putting on a phony front, no. It is deceitful to the children who will suffer even more when they eventually learn that the family of their childhood was based on a lie. If the husband and wife have a confrontational, angry relationship, then no again. However, there are cases when a couple simply grows apart. There is no contempt between the partners. They actually can live together amiably, if not romantically. If there is no desire for other dating partners, they can maintain the marriage to keep the children together until they grow up. The children eventually will come to understand that their parents, while being friends, are not a couple, and they can transition to that stage with less trauma than a sudden divorce.

And let’s not forget that there are many cases where staying for the children’s sake has led the couple to work on the marriage and regain loving feelings for each other. Yes, a love for the children has saved many marriages. A lot of marriages end before the partners put forth the effort necessary to save them and staying for the kids could give them a little more time to reconsider.

If you have questions or concerns you'd like to discuss confidentially, feel free to contact me via the BellaOnline.com Marriage site contact button or visit me in the Marriage forum. You can register as a forum user anonymously, and both services are free.