How Not to Write a Novel is an acerbic look at the publishing industry by midlist author, David Armstrong. If you have a head-in-the-clouds would-be writer in your family, with no concept of the hard work part of the writing and publishing process, this is the book to get for them.

How Not to Write a Novel is presented in alphabetical order, from Advances and Agents to “Zen… and the art of writing”, covering every part of the industry and process and all of it seems to have disappointed Armstrong somewhere along the way.

While How Not to Write a Novel is written tongue-in-cheek, there is a lot of bitterness that seeps through. As a midlist author, Armstrong may be published, but he is more likely to see his books in the remainder shop than in a bookshop. “People will spend [money] to get the new Dick Francis or PD James. But the new David Armstrong? I think not. Even blessed with good reviews, most of the one or two thousand hardback print run will go to libraries. I’ll sell a hundred or so myself at the initial book launch and surrounding events…But major bookshops – with very few exceptions – will rarely stock the hardbacks of little-known writers like myself, no matter how prestigious or big your publisher.”¹

At the end of each entry, Armstrong includes a summary of the key points, such as

“3) As a first-time writer, it’s highly unlikely you’ll be paid in advance of actually writing your novel… but if you are ever in this position, get as much of the advance upfront… 4) Ignore no. 3 above. Many writers (myself included, notwithstanding the above) are loath to accept money for work not yet done. I would find it an unwelcome burden to have been paid already for something not yet written, especially something as tenuous as a novel.”²

Included with each summary is the admonition “Don’t write a novel”, or simply “Don’t do it”. Although Armstrong’s experiences seem to be extreme, he claims it is common for midlist authors to be so poorly treated, intentionally and unintentionally, by the publishing and bookselling industry.

Wherever you are in your writing career, this is useful heads-up stuff. If you have that burning need to write and have no other options, then this book will let you know what to prepare for – but unfortunately, since Armstrong is so adamant on warning would-be writers not to even start writing, he offers little practical advice for treading the mine field should you wish to continue. If you’re thinking it might be nice to be a writer, the six-figure deals you read about in the paper sound great to you, and you’re dreaming of your name in the credits of an Oscar-winning movie “based on the novel by”, then you must read this book before you get burned.

How Not to Write a Novel is sobering reading, but if you’re born to write you’ll come away from it with a stronger concept of where you want to go with your writing, and awareness of the obstacles you may have to face. And awareness is everything.

¹Page 56, How Not to Write a Novel, David Armstrong, Allison & Busby LTD, 2003
²Page 34, How Not to Write a Novel, David Armstrong, Allison & Busby LTD, 2003

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How Not to Write a Novel by David Armstrong is available from Amazon.com
You may prefer to read On Becoming a Novelist by John Gardner.