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Alicia Rose Letting Go

Part Three

January 22, 2001
11:41 P.M.

Well, here I sit as I did two years ago. In 50 minutes I would have made
the decision to take you off of all life support … and lose you forever!
I miss you so much! my tears flow down my face at the thought of not
having you here with me (or the family) for an entire 24 months!

I am trying to remember your voice, your smile, your smell, your gentle
care, and the love that you showed me through the 23 years that you were
with me. Lee, what made you take your life? Was it something that I did or
didn’t do? Or were you in such pain that you just couldn’t bear to go on any
longer?

I know that you never meant for it to hurt me (us) the way that it did.
You thought that you were saving me (us) from the pain that you were going
through so alone with so many around you who loved you.
I know that when the time is right, you’ll come to me and let me know
that you are finally at peace and that you are with those in our family that
have gone on before us. You’re with your children and your nieces or
nephews. You’re with Pop-Pop and Uncle Stevie, with your Dad and
Grandmom and Aunt Janice. I know that Epsilon is there and so is Gamma
and Beta too!

I hope that you’ll all be there waiting for me when it’s my turn to cross
over! But that doesn’t stop me from thinking about that horrific decision that
I had to make 2 years ago when my beautiful, vibrant daughter lay there,
unable to speak, to respond to me in any way.

Just watching you (always hoping that you’d come out of it) but
watching you get worse and worse and in my delirium not even realizing it
right up until the time that the doctors told me that there was nothing more
that they could do for you.

I sat there hearing, yet not hearing them, tell me that my beautiful
daughter could not be helped and anything further would just prolong your
life, but you’d never come back to me. I heard them and I still didn’t believe
it.

At 12:00 A.M. on January 23, 1999, as I watched you start to bleed as
you took in oxygen and realizing that if I didn’t do something you would
start bleeding everywhere … I, your mother, that you trusted for all your
life, let them take you off all life support. But, it didn’t end there; you lived on for three and one half hours, with me by your bedside along with those
who loved you. Half way into those 3 ˝ hours I became scared and frantic
that I had done the wrong thing and made the wrong decision. I WANTED
THEM TO PUT THE LIFE SUPPORT BACK ON; I JUST KNEW THAT YOU WERE NOT READY TO GO! But, they told me as gently as they could that you would not live and I would only be hurting you, my sweet daughter, and myself if I could have changed my decision.

Thirty-one minutes away from that decision that I made two years ago,
and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I cannot believe that I haven’t
seen you in so long … my child who would run away and call me 4 or 5
times a day. You couldn’t go more than 6 hours without talking to me. You,
my sweet daughter, are gone because I made a decision 29 minutes less than
2 years ago.

Lee, forgive me if I gave in too easily. I couldn’t see you lifeless. Lee,
forgive me for believing the doctors who said that there was nothing more
that they could do. Lee, forgive me for not believing in miracles and fairies
and all the good childlike things that I so willingly allowed you to believe in
all of your life.

Alicia, please just forgive your loving mother for not knowing what to
do … or believe. You are in my heart forever. You are in my mind forever.
You are my child forever and my child you are missed so very, very much. I
loved you in life and I will love you forever.
I love you,
Mommy

Part Four next week.

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