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Alicia Rose Finding Meaning

Part Five

Dear Lutsa,
I know that you have been on the list for quite some time because I have read some of your posts. Our stories are very much alike. Methadone, originally, was intended to be used by heroin addicts for life. It is not supposed to cause problems with the liver or any other organ in the body. It is supposed
to stop the craving for the drug and help those lost souls become useful and productive parts of society.

Unfortunately, they go to these clinics as “street junkies” and unfortunately, that is what they are treated as. The people that run these clinics are most times on “power trips” (they may as well be drug dealers because they hold the one thing that can keep an addict productive and useful over their heads like the dealers on the street corners hold the drugs over the addict’s head). When these people (and I use the word people with hesitation) who run these clinics feel the need to feel important they do whatever makes them feel important and if it is to take the only thing that can give an addict a chance (aside from beating the addiction) away then, by God, that is what they will do, and then they are again the Great and Powerful.

I just found out that another young girl was thrown out of the clinic and she is now in a detox center that also has a halfway house after the inpatient stay. I know this because just the other night a friend of Alicia’s stopped by and she’s living at the halfway house as we speak. We cried together and we laughed together - it is always such a two edged sword when Alicia’s friends (especially the friends that she had when she was doing the drugs - but that I care about nonetheless because they are no different from my Alicia.)This girl spoke at my daughter’s viewing and she stayed in the hospital with me throughout the time Alicia was dying and she was also there when Alicia took her last breath.

She told me that the halfway house counselors have told her that she MUST deal with Alicia’s death and bring some closure to it. They told her to write Alicia a letter. She said that she wrote maybe three sentences and she could write no more because she was overwhelmed with grief. This girl was pregnant when Alicia died and I prayed that this would change something for her watching her friend lay there unable to speak and us not knowing if she could hear us when we spoke to her. We spoke to her any way. Her baby boy was born 5 days before Alicia’s birthday. This damned drug heroin has such a hold on our children that even with the birth of her son, she relapsed again and has lost custody of her baby boy. He is such a precious child so happy always smiling. I have no doubt in my mind that she loves her child but the drug does such awful things to a person that they sometimes, even with the best intentions and the best incentives can’t get away from it.

This group has truly helped me in the short time that I have been reading the posts. All of our stories are so similar yet so personal. There is just that one common denominator and that is the drug, whether it be alcohol or heroin or
whatever drug. It brings us all together and for some reason reading the posts and posting myself has made a difference in my outlook over the past month or so. I am so sorry for you to have lost your daughter. From what I have read you
have two sons and your daughter. I know what a great relationship mothers and daughters can have and I am lucky to have two daughters still here, with me, and my son (whom I call my God-sent blessing only because I prayed for a son each and every time I was pregnant and my son is my fourth child.)This group has really made me realize that we all certainly miss the child that we have lost. We must now appreciate those children that we have left because Alicia
Rose, “my sweet daughter,” is in the arms of the Lord, with the peace and tranquility that she deserved but could not get here on earth. My other children need me and I was unable, for some reason, allow myself to realize this but slowly, very slowly, I am realizing the needs of each of my children. Jenn (who is 28 and married having many problems becoming pregnant), Randi (my 18-year-old daughter) and Dana (my 16-year-old son.)Maybe seeing their names in print, people will see I have three other children that need me and will always need me. Maybe (HOPEFULLY) not in the way that Alicia did but they need me as well. We have more in common than we even know.
May peace and light shine on you and yours,
Terry,
Mom of Alicia Rose 3/17/75 - 1/23/99
and Jenn, Randi and Dana

Part Six next week

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