Dear Lutsa and Terry,
We will, forever, be plagued with that big question, WHY? I think of Billie and Alicia Rose quite often, and I am glad you are able to write more often at this time. I was thinking how few mothers of girls are here. You stories and
are very similar; it seems Billie and Alicia Rose had a lot in common. I wish somehow we had all been able to come together and get them together when they were still living. I don’t think the passing of time is going to relieve the pain of their deaths.
Lutsa, I understand what you mean about not wanting to spend time with people that would let Billie’s memory die. How selfish of them. Hope you find some joy this weekend.
You know when I post about Alicia it’s as if she lived for a reason, not just to be born. But to be a happy child, be an under-achiever and then an over-achiever, be engaged three times and then be a junky that couldn’t get out of it.
She’s that little girl, again, that would do anything for anyone. She’s the woman that men fell in love with so easily. She’s the woman who was promoted at every job that she had (up until the drug addiction) within a few months. She’s the daughter that I could talk to about anything, anytime. She’s the cheerleading coach that all the young girls loved. But most importantly: SHE’S NOT FORGOTTEN!!
I’m sorry that it was our children’s suicide and substance abuse that has brought all of us together. Its such an awful thing that this is what it comes to. And as far as the fear of getting “that phone call,” I don’t miss that either. I was always afraid that I would have to identify her body but
that didn’t happen either. I was there with her when she took her last breath and I told her that I loved her and then the black hole came and it’s been with me ever since. So, in order for me to stay somewhat sane (which is selfish in a way) I will be staying on with all of my comrades who have also found that black hole.
To all of you, I wish you light and peace. I hope that your grief gets less and less and you find yourself able to smile and see color again, to be able to “live” again.
Mom of Alicia Rose 3/17/75 - 1/23/99
and Jenn, Randi and Dana
SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS
When you have a child you become a Mother.
You take care of your child one way or another.
You learn to know what your child needs,
You learn and you teach that child to say, “Please.”
They are so small when you bring them home,
You’d never think to leave them alone!
You protect them every way that you can …
And one day you’ll look to see a woman or a man.
But then some things happen along the way …
Sometimes these things happen when they play!
They become independent, you want them to be,
Because if they don’t you’re not setting them free.
You raise your children the best that you can.
You polish them, teach them politeness
And to wash their hands!
You want so much for your children, you see.
You hope that they will turn out to be “somebody.”
But, when your child grows up and something’s not right,
And you know that you did everything in your might,
All you can do is be there for them.
All you can do is love and love, again!
But, when your child dies …
For many, many years, tears flow and you’ll cry.
You won’t know what each day will hold.
Maybe today it won’t be so cold!
Some days are better than others,
Just ask me!
I know! I am that mother!
Dedicated to my sweet daughter who left me far too soon.
Written by Terry Jordan
Thank you for reading this tragic story of a Mother's loss.
BETWEEN TWO PAGES:Children of Substance by Susan Hubenthal and GriefNet Parents is available at www.authorhouse.com,GriefNet Bookstore www.griefnet.com, & Amazon.