It took me a long time to accept that I have to ware these “iron legs”, strips of iron fitted onto my shoes going up on either side of my legs to support my ankles and leg muscles. They are so ugly I don't even care to remember the correct word the doctors call them. And yet, I cannot walk outside the yard without them. I find that they are so heavy that my back aches, my knees gets lame, I’m shaking like a leaf in the wind. I do not want to land up in a wheel chair! I want to walk. I thought I will be able to walk long walks with my new "feet" and now they are making things even worse.

I have to buy shoes for winter and get them fixed by the orthotest but I cannot do that before I see a neurologist for a complete examination and report on the deterioration of my foot and leg muscles. Why do I have to cope with all these things? Isn’t blindness enough! I always was clumsy but now I’m finding walking more and more difficult!

I’m also worried about my having breathing problems. I’m sure I’m not hyperventilating. Can the muscles in my lungs also be affected? Where is all this going to end?

It was always easy to find something to be optimistic about but now life is no longer a joke. Today I’m not at all so called trying to walk on water or do things other people think me capable of. Today I want to sit in a corner and lick my wounds. If licking could do anything about them! In the end I’ll lift up my head and force a smile, laugh while I’m crying inside. I hate myself on days like this. I am not a grumbler but today I am doing all the things I hate doing.

I will read this again tomorrow and then throw it in the rubbish tin. But why do I have to always put up a pose that everything is going just fine when I
feel like today, nothing is fine!

And yet, I’m already smiling through my tears. What is all this going to do to solve the problem? I know it is an insolvable problem. It was nice in my little sad and self pity corner. But it tends to become pretty lonely there! I hope to get an appointment with the neurologist soon so that I can ask all the troublesome questions. Just to be told nothing can be done.

It will take a long time to accept all these things. It will take a lifetime to adjust to my muscles deteriorating, how far that is going to deteriorate nobody can tell me, not even the most learned neurologist.. As long as I can hold my pose and cry while typing these thoughts rather than trying to get sympathy from others. How tiresome can that become for them as well as for me!

I’m already feeling better. What writing can do for me! Only the Afrikaans word "lekker" can describe this feeling of coming out of this deep and dark gutter. What would I call that in English? It is more difficult writing in my second language. A challenging challenge!

Iron strips thrown away! Thanks to technology and orthotests for now my braces are so light I feel like walking on air with this new Plastolite light braces. I do not care any more about my “looks” because the braces are enabling me to walk without fore ever bleeding knees as I no longer are subject to my regular falling over steps and stones. It is still difficult to find the right shoes, not even always beautiful shoes, but I am told people see my smiling face before they look at my feet. Thanks to technology developments enabling us to live our lives to the full!