Check for “was”
“Was” is an indicator of passive or stative use.
Consider the notorious Bulwer-Lytton opening line:
“It was a dark and stormy night.”
As it stands, this opening simply tells the reader what the night is. What kind of storm is the author talking about? Is there lightning? If so, it won’t be dark all the time. Asking yourself questions about what you’re editing is a great way to dig deeper into your own imagination.
To convert this opening to active voice, let’s try:
“Lightning interrupted the dark night.”
Now the reader begins to imagine the scene for himself as he’s given a visual cue. Use your characters as observers and think about what they are experiencing through their senses: lightning, thunder, the smell of rain, wet and cold. The senses are a gateway to drawing your reader into the experience of your story.
Trust your reader to make connections
“It was cold outside. Marcie shivered.”
Marcie’s shivering makes it fairly clear that it’s cold – use her senses rather than stating the obvious.
“As Marcie stepped outside she began to shiver uncontrollably, tugging her thin cardigan tighter around her body.”
Stative sentences do have their place
Don’t get too wrapped up trying to rid your story of every sign of passivity. Over-showing is as ineffective as over-telling, because the effect is lost when everything is demonstrated.
If it is a small detail not vital to the plot, just tell the reader and move on.
“Marcie look at the messages on her desk and picked up the one from Hannah. She grimaced as she remembered her parents forcing her to watch her sister give birth to Hannah twenty years ago.”
As a demonstrative sentence, this reveals plenty of information about Marcie, her childhood, and her parents, but it is awkward. For the sake of this example, let’s presume the event has no bearing on the plot – as unnecessary information it simply loads the reader with more to remember.
“Marcie picked up the message from Hannah, her niece.”(“was” is implied in this compound sentence).
Learn to write more effectively with 100 Ways to Improve Your Writing by Gary Provost
If you find you need some help with your understanding of using grammar for effect, try Grammatically Correct : The Writer's Essential Guide to Punctuation, Spelling, Style, Usage and Grammar by Anne Stilman
