Part Two

The pain does soften, and good memories surface more and more, and each day, each month, each year becomes more manageable. I can look at the bigger picture, now, and go through Matt’s pictures and belongings, remembering so much of the goodness and love he brought to my life. I now know that Matt was part of my life lesson, and though losing him brought me great pain, it has also broadened my world to include so much more than I ever dreamed possible. It would take me weeks to detail how much my life has changed. I’ve come to accept that change is inevitable and life goes on. At times it is difficult to grasp, but life does get better and we survive and even grow stronger and greater if we so choose.
My life has done a complete turn around since Matt’s death. I believe
that Matt came here, in this life, to touch lives and so bring them closer to
their spiritual nature. This has happened to me, to my older son, to nieces,
nephews, aunts, uncles and friends. It has been a long slow process and I wish, now, that I would have chronicled events as they occurred. I now feel
greater love for my fellow humans, have greater compassion, and work hard
to touch lives each and every day in a positive way. I feel I am “awake,” now, and understand more of my true purpose here on this earth. I have begun to meditate … some people call it prayer. I feel that Matt and I contracted, to be mother and son, and set up all the details long ago. Now I must see the contract through, for my soul’s greater good. I miss my son’s physical presence horribly … every hour of every day, but feel great joy knowing he is beyond the world, the pain, the ugliness that can be so prevalent in this life, that was due to his drug addiction.
I have a spiritual advisor who tells me the harder your life on earth, the
farther it shoots your soul forward. I believe this to be true. I also feel
absolutely positive that Matt is with me always … helping, guiding, comforting. My older son also feels this way. I don’t get any really big signs
from Matt, but many, many small ones. Dimes at very poignant moments, like the day I was thinking of Matt while emptying the washing machine and a dime came out with the clothes! Those little “synchronicities” occur quite often. Music is another way for Matt to talk to me; he often comes up with just the right song at just the right time.
I have done a lot to perpetuate Matt’s name, so some good will come of his life and death. We have established a scholarship at his school; we’ve
planted trees and shrubs and zillions of flowers; we’ve purchased bricks with his name engraved, and on and on it goes. It is important for me to have the knowledge that I now have a new awareness of life, and the beauty that exists in this world. I feel more gratitude for all the little things that make my day, and all the big ones, too, like a loving husband and son. In a way, as I’ve come through this blackness called grief, I’ve grown into a more “human” human. I know pain, and recognize it in others and I do what I can to show all that I care, and that they are loved and worthwhile. There are lots of opportunities for me each day. At school, where I volunteer, in a grocery store line, with a friend who has also lost a child.