Most parents do not want this to happen. They really do want to do the very best they can for their children in a difficult situation. Knowing that, here are some tips that you can follow.
Tell your children about the divorce together. Swallow your pride and your hate for each other and schedule a family meeting. Explain to the children that while you love them very, very much, that you two just cannot stay married any longer. Do not share intimate details with the children, no matter what their age. Children do not need to know anything more than, “Your father and I are divorcing each other, but we both love you very much, and we will both always be here for you.” Demonstrating both physically and emotionally a united parental front will make the children feel safe and loved during this difficult time.
Immediately, set up parenting time that reflects as close as possible what already exists within the family dynamic. If your child spends 80 percent of their time with one parent, and this is how it has always been, now is not the time to change. You can work up to a more equal arrangement as the children become more comfortable but do not make huge changes in the beginning. This is not about what is fair to the parents; this is about what is fair and comfortable for the children.
Both parents should encourage and facilitate a loving and respectful relationship with the other parent. Even if it is hard for you to see your child leave for extended times, do not show it. Children often want to protect their parents from pain and if they sense their love for the other parent causes pain, they may become alienated from their other parent to avoid hurting you. They might even say they do not want to visit their parent, leaving you alone, when nothing could be further from the truth. Children will often tell us what they think we want to hear. If they believe saying bad things about their other parent makes you feel better, they will eventually accommodate you. This type of behavior should never be encouraged or tolerated.
Continue attending “Family” activities together, such as PTA meetings, basketball games, concerts and the like. Do not set up a “his watch” and “her watch” mentality. When little Johnny is playing his first game as quarterback he should not be worried about his parents feelings or behavior. He should be assured that both his parents will be watching the game cheering him on no matter whose “day” it is. For now, these events should be void of new distractions such as “step” parents or “uncles”. However, in the future these activities can and should include stepparents, siblings, and more. There can never be too many people giving Jane a standing ovation at her opening night performance.
If you cannot overcome your hate of your ex, enough to do these things consider attending both personal and family counseling to help you deal with this situation. Many states require parenting classes during a divorce, go to these as soon as possible. This is one of those cases where I sincerely believe a fake it until you make it attitude will suffice.
Settle issues of finance as soon as possible. Be realistic and fair. I wish it were not true but one paycheck is not going to go as far supporting two households as it did supporting one. Nevertheless, the children should not have to suffer very much for adult choices. Whichever parent currently has custody of the children is going to receive child support and possibly alimony. This is not a punishment to the non-custodial parent it is a necessity for the children.
If one parent has been a stay at home parent for the last 10 years, and has no education or experience in the job market, it is unrealistic to expect him or her to become gainfully employed over-night. Consider retraining and going back to school. Even if you have been a stay at home parent, do not consider it your right to continue doing so after a divorce. It probably won’t be financially possible and even if it is, it would be best for you to get some training towards a career. This will be good for your self-esteem and your future. It is also a good example for your children. The important thing here is to be reasonable and realistic based on many factors including the ages of your children, your financial condition and education level.
Answer your children’s questions as honestly as possible without attacking the other parent. Remember you can always answer by saying “I don’t know ask your father” or with a question “What do you think?” You must separate your feelings about your ex from your children’s feelings about their parent. They are not the same thing.
Finally, if both parents just love their children more than they hate their ex, children can and do thrive after a divorce. Both of you are still your child’s family. Act like it.
