SpyCam recently secured this secret footage, which we’re sharing with you today exclusively on WebToob. Unfortunately, the video was obscured by a fly on the web-cam, and the audio was quite uneven, so we’ve made a transcript of the footage for your enjoyment.

Lyman: It’s not fair. I didn’t ask to be born, and I don’t believe in you.
God: But Lyman, I created you because I wished to share my immense love with you and bless you for all time and beyond.
Lyman: Yeah, yeah. And if I don’t toe the line, you’re gonna toss me into a lake of fire. That’s real loving.
God: What line would that be? The lake of fire was not prepared for you, Lyman. Would you like to go to heaven instead?
Lyman: I don’t believe in heaven. All that exists is the material universe, the stars and the planets and all.
God: Do you like the universe? I created it just for you and your brothers and sisters.
Lyman: Well, that’s nonsense, too. It just exploded into being in the Big Bang, and then evolved into what’s here now.
God: I’m sorry that you think so. Your schooling has done you a great disservice. But, regardless of whether you believe I made these things for you, are you enjoying them?
Lyman: Oh sure. Nature’s amazing. All the great scenery and flowers and fruit and animals and stuff. It’s awesome how everything evolved just right, over millions of years, to work all together.
God: Hmm. The absence of logic in the curriculum is wreaking more and more havoc. But back to your original objection, Lyman. I know you didn’t ask to be born, but that can’t be helped now. I am the Creator, after all, and have every right to create whatever I wish. And you are an eternal being, Lyman, so you must decide about your future. What did you have in mind?
Lyman: Why do I have to decide? Why can’t you just let me alone?
God: Well, I certainly can do that, child, but are you sure that’s what you want? In order for me to let you alone, you would have to be removed from my presence. I fill the universe, Lyman, and all that is around you is my creation, my blessing for you. Are you saying you don’t want any part of me or what I’ve created anymore?
Lyman: Well, no, I like the earth okay. I’ll stay here, that’s fine. But I don’t believe you created it, you know. I don’t believe in YOU, even.
God: Yes, yes, I know, Lyman. And I’m perfectly willing to let you enjoy the blessings of my creation, whether you acknowledge me as their source or not, while you live your life. But what about after that, child?
Lyman: After what? After I die? Nothing. I’ll just cease to exist.
God: Sigh. I told you, Lyman, you’re an eternal being. You don’t end. Stop—I know you don’t believe that. But really, child. Not believing it doesn’t make it any less so. I encourage you to at least think about it. Humor me. If you were an eternal being, what would you like your afterlife to be like?
Lyman: Well, alright. I’ll go along just for jollies. So that’s a no brainer, really. The afterlife should be perfect. No more pollution, no cancer, no one ripping me off. How about a great house, on extensive acreage, with plenty of excellent food and drink. And a pool. A beautiful landscape, all rolling hills and flowers. And no danger, like I’d be able to pet the tigers and lions. Just peace, and good times, and rest, and some good company I guess. Wouldn’t want to be there all alone. [Laughs] Actually, I’d like to live in a place just like earth, only without any of the bad stuff, and with, like, superpowers so I could have whatever I want. And my dog, Wink. I’d want him back.
God: Interesting.
Lyman: What. Why?
God: Well, allowing for a certain limited imagination, you’ve done a fair job of describing heaven.
Lyman: Yeah?
God: Yeah. But before you said you wanted me to let you alone. Of course, after that you said you were willing to enjoy the earth and all its fullness. It sounds like you’d be willing to enjoy heaven, too.
Lyman: If it was real, sure. Who wouldn’t?
God: But Lyman, I will be in heaven. And it really will be completely perfect. No evil at all, nothing the least bit bad will be allowed to be there.
Lyman: Cool. If it existed, I mean. That would be cool.
God: But not for you, Lyman. You’re not completely perfect, are you?
Lyman: What? No, of course not. What, you’re saying I wouldn’t get to live in heaven because I’m not perfect? That’s not fair, no one’s perfect. What about all your little Christians. They’re certainly not perfect!
God: No, they’re not. But yes, they are, because I have declared them so, by the blood of the Lamb.
Lyman: Okaaay, well you lost me there.
God: Lyman, grab that little Gideon testament your roommate left in your dorm room when he left for the mission field. It’s in your third drawer, underneath some other, um, reading material.
Lyman: What?! [Sound of a chair scraping and crashing over] How do you know that?
God: Lyman, Lyman, think about it. Granted, I’ve been humoring your protestations that you don’t believe I exist. But if I do exist, then I’m God, and I’m omniscient, remember? Really, child, maybe you can find a logic course to take online.
Lyman: [sound of rummaging in a drawer] Okay, okay. I have the Gideon testament. Now what?
God: Now open it to the Gospel of John. Keep going, Matthew, Mark, Luke, there. John. Now read that. Get at least through chapter three, and then we’ll talk again, okay? I love you.
Lyman: [muttering] Okay, okay. Wait—you love me? Really? Oh, but never mind. I don’t believe in you, remember?
God: I know, Lyman, but I love you anyway.