The tears still roll when I think about the sweetest of moments between my sons and myself. I look at them at the ages they are, the early 20s, and I can still see them jumping up and down in their one piece pajamas. Can you remember the laughing and giggling at Christmas time? The laughs are still there, the tone of their voice is just deeper. And do you remember the cradling of your son when he was sick or hurt? Even in those moments there is a bond that you can feel that is so strong that nothing earthly could break it.

The hard times in raising a son, I would say, would to be to fight the urge to be his best friend instead of his mother. The desire to be buddies and friends can be detrimental to your relationship. It might work for a day, a week, or even a month. Then all of a sudden, you are placed in the position where you have to be the mother, the bad guy, the enforcer of rules and policies. Incoming…anger, attitude, and language suddenly changes to that which is used for a friend instead of what you would expect to receive as a mother. This will be trying and hurtful. The only way to avoid this is not to get into this position and fight the urge to be your son’s best friend. That kind of closeness will come eventually, maybe late teens, maybe early 20s, but you do get there.

When the boys are younger your closeness comes from bedtime stories, lullabies, band aids on knees and elbows and those terrible multiplication tables that you practice every night. Its not hard to be this great mom when they are younger. But be warned about being his best buddy and allowing him to make decisions for you. This is a trap. If you allow your best little buddy to decide where you are going out to eat, what you are going to have for dinner, and make other adult decisions, you have just made him your age. Eventually he will come to expect to make those decisions and tantrums will ensue when you do not allow him to do so. Sure its fine to let him decide where to go or what to eat on special occasions such as his birthday or graduation from Kindergarten. But if the family wants to dine out a specific spot, then it should be your decision, not the child’s. If you want to go to a store on your way home and he does not feel like it, go anyway. Do not allow his mood to dictate you away from your desires and decisions.

He is used to his friends going his way. In school they are taught to share, work together, team work and group decision making. That’s a great lesson and it works. But it needs to be used in certain situations at home and not totally employed there. This will be the beginning of resentment and screaming. Your best little buddy who climbed up on your lap will now turn into this bright red screaming machine because he is not getting his way. You have been trapped into being his best playground buddy. And it is far easier to avoid the trap than to get out of it.

As they get older there are certain signs that his friends are more school age and less mom age. And its best to lengthen the apron strings at this time as it will pay off in the long run. How do we maintain a close friendship with our sons? We keep close, we stay close but we don’t intrude. We make sure that his friends are welcome and good to “hang out” with and trustworthy. We laugh with his friends, give them hugs and ask them how their day is going. We make sure the refrigerator holds something of interest and then we leave them to do their thing. We don’t hang out all night watching “their” shows, we don’t hang out with them outside discussing girls, car stereos, and truck engines. If they want you to know about something, they will.

As your son gets older and realizes that his friends love his mom, he will see you in another light. You’re simply not the mom who makes him clean his room, pushes him to do homework and asks him to mow the lawn. You are actually a really cool mom that his friends come to talk to when they have thoughts and questions about life. And he likes the way that you don’t brush his friends off because you don’t think their questions are silly or foolish. You give them an age appropriate answer and refer them to their parents when questions of sex and religion pop up. This is the beginning of another strong bond. One of respect and appreciation. And the thought that you might really be cool.

There will always be tantrums, there will always be disagreements. But if you act as the authority with open welcoming arms, the love and respect from your son will grow as he does. Enjoy these moments.