In or Out - Does It Matter When Dating?
If you’ve been keeping up with The L Word, you are aware of the thread concerning tennis pro Dana Fairbanks (Erin Daniels) and sous-chef Lara Perkins (Lauren Lee Smith). They have had difficulties establishing their relationship due to Dana’s inability to come to grips with coming out of the closet because of her career. In this week’s episode, Dana broke up with Lara because she was signing a contract with a company she was made to believe would force her to remain publicly straight. In the end, that wasn’t so and she fired her agent. We don’t, at this point, know if the relationship will survive the situation as Dana did not handle it in a very mature manner.
Was this just TV drama or do such circumstances occur in real life?
You might be new to the gay scene and in traveling to gay/lesbian romance sites you will notice a question that is not asked on straight dating sites. It concerns your sexual openness. Some of the responses to this question listed on the Lesbian Personals Online site include:
Erin Daniels character, Dana, is open only to her friends. Because of public scrutiny concerning her career, she feels she must keep a lid on her sexuality, exposing it to no one but her very best friends. In an interview concerning her character Erin stated, “She just wants to be loved but she can't tell anybody how she wants to be loved and she can't express it - and that's a personal hell.”
It proved to be a personal hell not only to Dana, but also to her lover Lara. Because of commitments to her career, Dana felt compelled to tell Lara that they could no longer date because Lara wanted to be too physically open in public. Lara had no idea where all this was coming from and left in tears when Dana stomped off after rejecting her and their relationship.
This is exactly why the question of openness comes up in gay relationships. The possibility to be hurt presents itself when people date who are at either end of the above spectrum.
Many gays will state in a profile that they are not interested in dating anyone who is not out of the closet. Unfortunately, they don’t always elaborate on that statement. Just how “out” does a potential datemate need to be?
Gays who are totally out don’t want to be put into a position like Lara Perkins when they’ve got their heart on the line for someone. If a person is still “in” to their workmates, family or some of their friends, it makes it damn difficult to lead any kind of normal lifestyle. Forget any sort of public display of affection - even the simple stuff like holding hands or a kiss goodbye. No one knows who might see or who might tell someone else what they saw. It leads to paranoia that even the strongest relationship might have trouble withstanding.
Then there’s the problem of what happens when the closeted person comes all the way out? I dated a woman who had very wealthy parents. She couldn’t tell them anything about her being a lesbian. I helped her "out" and after a couple years she got the itch. She wanted to spread her wings and date other people now that she was open about her sexuality. It could happen to anyone and really, who could blame her? I certainly couldn’t. But it did erect a stop sign for me whenever I come across someone who isn't out and wants to date me now.
If we lived in a society where being gay didn’t mean being a social outcast to friends, family and coworkers, none of this would matter. If you are straight, you might be surprised by what I’ve related in this article. It might never have occurred to you what gay people have to put up with in our lives. Dating for some gays, as Erin Daniels puts it, can be “a personal hell.”
©2004 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
Was this just TV drama or do such circumstances occur in real life?
You might be new to the gay scene and in traveling to gay/lesbian romance sites you will notice a question that is not asked on straight dating sites. It concerns your sexual openness. Some of the responses to this question listed on the Lesbian Personals Online site include:
1. Very closeted.
2. Maybe one friend knows.
3. Open only around friends.
4. My family would just die!
5. Personal life – not at work.
6. I’m just coming out.
7. I’ll tell anyone – if asked.
8. It’s obvious to everyone.
9. Openly Gay.
Erin Daniels character, Dana, is open only to her friends. Because of public scrutiny concerning her career, she feels she must keep a lid on her sexuality, exposing it to no one but her very best friends. In an interview concerning her character Erin stated, “She just wants to be loved but she can't tell anybody how she wants to be loved and she can't express it - and that's a personal hell.”
It proved to be a personal hell not only to Dana, but also to her lover Lara. Because of commitments to her career, Dana felt compelled to tell Lara that they could no longer date because Lara wanted to be too physically open in public. Lara had no idea where all this was coming from and left in tears when Dana stomped off after rejecting her and their relationship.
This is exactly why the question of openness comes up in gay relationships. The possibility to be hurt presents itself when people date who are at either end of the above spectrum.
Many gays will state in a profile that they are not interested in dating anyone who is not out of the closet. Unfortunately, they don’t always elaborate on that statement. Just how “out” does a potential datemate need to be?
Gays who are totally out don’t want to be put into a position like Lara Perkins when they’ve got their heart on the line for someone. If a person is still “in” to their workmates, family or some of their friends, it makes it damn difficult to lead any kind of normal lifestyle. Forget any sort of public display of affection - even the simple stuff like holding hands or a kiss goodbye. No one knows who might see or who might tell someone else what they saw. It leads to paranoia that even the strongest relationship might have trouble withstanding.
Then there’s the problem of what happens when the closeted person comes all the way out? I dated a woman who had very wealthy parents. She couldn’t tell them anything about her being a lesbian. I helped her "out" and after a couple years she got the itch. She wanted to spread her wings and date other people now that she was open about her sexuality. It could happen to anyone and really, who could blame her? I certainly couldn’t. But it did erect a stop sign for me whenever I come across someone who isn't out and wants to date me now.
If we lived in a society where being gay didn’t mean being a social outcast to friends, family and coworkers, none of this would matter. If you are straight, you might be surprised by what I’ve related in this article. It might never have occurred to you what gay people have to put up with in our lives. Dating for some gays, as Erin Daniels puts it, can be “a personal hell.”
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©2004 Marcia Ellen "Happy" Beevre
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