…and how to find a life partner.

So now that your divorce is final you're free, right? Wrong! Now the real work begins. The work of healing and making sure that you do not repeat the cycle that led to your divorce is some of the most emotional and important work that you will ever do for yourself.

It really doesn't matter what the technical reasons of your divorce are, whether it was infidelity, addiction, abuse, and whether you were the victim or the perpetuator. You still have work to do to over come, heal, and move on so that you can truly live a happy and healthy life.

In order to truly heal you must take some time off from relationships.

I know, I've heard it before, you say, “but I've been over this relationship for years, just because my divorce took so long doesn't mean I am not over it.”

Yea, I've heard that before! From me, the second time I walked down the isle with the wrong person. The fact is getting better is hard work. To examine your life to the point you can do it without feeling the same pain you felt while experiencing the situation is an important aspect in learning not to make the same mistakes repeatedly.

Get to know yourself

Who are you? What do you want out of life? When you got married, did you know what you wanted? Did you get married because it was the thing to do, or because you were in love? Was it for financial reasons? Did you know yourself enough to know who would make you happy? Make sure you know what you like and what you want before getting serious with anyone.

You are responsible for choosing the wrong partner.

Many of us, when we are in love, (or think we are in love) over look sure-fire red flags that our compatibility is in question. We brush many irritating factors under the rug and hope for the best. To have a life-long commitment to another human being requires, honestly, self-sacrifice, and choosing the right partner.

You cannot choose the right mate if you are in a hurry to walk down the isle.

You cannot choose the right spouse if you grew up without any examples of a good partner without examining the situation.

You cannot chose the right partner if you do not take time, with eyes wide open, to really know yourself and the other person.

You cannot choose the right person if you don’t accept that sometimes you’re wrong.

You must admit to your own failures in your relationship.

It really does take two to tango. Therefore, it is time to take stock of what you did in your marriage that made it unbearable. Did you keep your feelings to yourself, did you nag, did you stop taking care of yourself? Did you fail to stand up for your rights? Were you guilty of being a false self or were you your authentic self during your courtship? Did you stop showing love? What died first, sex, communication or love?

Make a list for next time.

Start making a list of who you are and what you want. Put your top ten needs and your top five wants in a partner on the list. Even the shallow items. My list included the following:


Unitarian
Liberal Politically
College educated
Loves to Travel
Funny
Tall (over six foot)
Good teeth
Likes Animals
and more…


When you are ready to date again, use your list as your guide. Do not deviate from the list. A good partner really will not just drop out of the sky on your doorstep. You must find him like a needle in a haystack. If you are not actively looking for him, you will not find him.