Guest Author - Stephanie L Watson

Are you raising an entitled child? Are you teaching your child to play one against the other? Does your child act like you owe him?

This is something that traditional intact families don’t have consider as much as a Divorced family might. When you are divorced, it can be more challenging not to allow the little Prince to be in charge. I mean you want him to come visit, right? Conversely you don’t want him to scream that he wants to go live with daddy!

Just to give you some ideas, these are my ideas of some things that can help you raise reasonable, caring, responsible adults.

Visitation

A child should not have a say when, where, or how he goes on visitation with his other parent. Period. All discussions about visitation should forever remain between the parents. Visitation should be a regular and normal part of the child’s schedule. Parents are more important than friends are. The message should be, Family First, Friends Second. Naturally as the Non Custodial Parent (NCP) you should take your child to any event that is important to his growing up years even on “your time” as well as invite friends to your home. As the Custodial Parent you should highly encourage and even force your child to spend time with their other parent. It is imperative for their future growth.

If issues arise, work, weddings, funerals, and things like that do not skip the time entirely, trade time if you must, put it in writing, and always work with the other parent keeping the child out of it. It will avoid many misunderstandings and miscommunication. All changes must be between the two parents and the child should not be a go-between.

House Rules

Divorced families can have two different sets of rules and children will take advantage of this if they are permitted to do so. I am a firm believer of the idea that it’s “mom’s rules in mom’s house and dad’s rules in dad’s house.”

However, if the parents agree on the rules and follow through, it is much better for the child. If that cannot happen then fall back on the idea above. In addition, remember DO have some rules and expectations for your children.

Have a schedule of some sort, have standards, do not try to be your child’s best friend. You are the parent. You have the final say in your house on your rules. Don’t listen to “but mommy lets me…” so what! Do not worry about your child not liking you. One of the best lines my mom told me when my oldest daughter was giving me problems was, “Sometimes you have to love them enough to let them hate you.”

Where you spend your money

Some children of divorce are taught, coached and encouraged, by a parent to, “Ask mommy or daddy to buy you this and that.” and “That is what Child Support is for!.” Nevertheless, you cannot allow your children to treat you like an ATM machine.

If the child asks you to buy something, and you can afford it and you do not mind buying it, go for it. Don’t just say no to teach the other parent a lesson. Say no for a reason. Sometimes the reason could be that your child is treating you like an ATM machine and you want to teach the child a lesson. That is OK, but don’t try to use the child to get back at the other parent.

Do not feel pressured and do not allow every moment with your child to be about spending. Sometimes it can be hard because you are afraid the other parent will not purchase the items, do what you must do, but sometimes it is OK to wait and see.

Even if the child is angry and upset because you said no when mommy or daddy told them you would buy the item, it will be OK and a good lesson.

Where they spend their allowance

I know, it’s their money right?

Well, sure, but I don’t get to spend my entire paycheck on shoes, why should a child get to spend their entire “paycheck” on candy and fun?

An allowance is only affective at teaching children about finances if they are required to spend it on needed items too, such as the non-generic deodorant, or the name brand shoes.

For example, on any given NEEDED item I give my children a budget, if they don’t want to buy something within that budget then they can add to that money with their allowance.

One of my daughters regularly takes the $1.35 cents I give her for deodorant and adds over 5 dollars to buy some very expensive fancy stuff. If I bought her that fancy kind of deodorant she would just be spoiled and have no idea how far money goes. As for makeup, she buys all her make up herself; I do not purchase one item for her unless it is a gift.

This can be harder to do in a divorced family, but it is doable. Lucky for me, my ex and I get along and we do follow, for the most part, the same household rules so it makes life easier for the children and us.

Even if you don’t get along with your ex, and your ex is not making your children toe the line during his time, don’t give it another thought. Children who have to suffer consequences of their own actions even ones influenced by adults in their life will learn and when they are adults, they will be thankful.