Visitation Plans
When you get a divorce suddenly, you have to “share” your children. Holidays, summers, even ordinary weekends take on a completely new quality. Once a relaxing experience with your family holidays are now full of scheduling, negotiation, anxiety and possibly jealousy and loneliness
The court generally gives a very basic overview of the minimum amount of time a non-custodial parent should spend with their children. The typical every other weekend, every Wednesday over night, half of each holiday schedule is often insufficient.
Even though it is in black and white, it can cause problems with planning. Who can go to Grandma’s for Christmas when you have to exchange the children at 3pm in the afternoon on December 25th, at the local Wal-Mart parking lot when grandma lives 12 hrs drive away?
Who can plan a nice summer vacation when the Custodial parent is supposed to get the every other weekends during the short summer? How can a Custodial Parent plan a vacation when Wednesday night visitation interrupts the plans? The problem generally is that parents who cannot get along will interpret this paper as the law. But generally it is a guideline. Parents are highly encouraged to work these things out between them because each family is different.
To make visitation easier on children and parents allow children to have a space or room in both homes with items that they need on a daily basis such as tooth brushes, hair brushes, shampoo, socks, and underwear.
Let the parents’ negotiate times, places, and the particulars leaving the children out of it. Do not give children the choice whether or not to see the other parent. This undermines one of the parent’s roles in the child’s life and gives a child way too much power over an adult.
Be considerate of the child’s needs over wants. If there is a long distance situation, it is far more important that the child go see the parent than participate in summer sports in his or her hometown. Once you make that step though, make sure you are truly able to do something with your child during the summer at least on the weekends. Check to see if your child can play sports locally too.
Do not show sorrow or regret about young children spending time with the other parent. Even though you are sad that they are going away and it is ok to miss them, with young children this can be especially traumatic and may cause them to be unable to let go and fully enjoy their experience with the other parent. I assure you, when your child leaves the other parent, it is just as hard. The child won’t tell you that, children tell each parent what they think you want to hear and even if you say it’s not true, children are very sensitive to the smallest messages in voice tone and body language. Be careful what you are projecting.
When you send your child off, look on the bright side: Someday your children will be out of the nest for good, but you are getting to practice and build a life outside of your children now. There is rarely anything better you can do for your children than have your own life. It is too much pressure on a child to be worried about parents missing her. Most parents do not get this opportunity to grow and slowly separate from their children. It is a gift.
Forget the guidelines. Plan times that work for both parents and the kids. Work together; this is the most important job you both will ever have.
