You cheated, you have an addiction, you did something horrible and your spouse could not forgive you. Now you are getting a divorce, and it is your fault. Your spouse was wonderful, your spouse did nothing wrong, but you did, and now you are going to pay for it, so is he, and so are the children.

The first thing you need to do is to accept responsibility for the things that you did that led to the divorce. Accept it without excuse, without “yea buts”- you know the drill, “yea but he was always at work” or “yea but she was all about the kids and forgot me”. Say to the people you hurt, without excuses “I am sorry that I hurt you, I wish I could go back and change it, my behavior was inexcusable, and I am truly, truly sorry. I was wrong, and I love you.”


In order for an apology to be real, and to be affective you must mean everything you say.

To show proper deference to the situation, you must tell the person(s) what you did wrong. This is how the person you are apologizing to knows that you are serious, that you know what you did. Do not make excuses for what you did during this part, as it is very easy to get side tracked and very difficult to take full blame, but to be truly repentant, you must.

During your apology, acknowledge the damage that you did to the relationship, to the person, to the marriage and then take full responsibility for the results of the situation. Do not place any blame on the other person and make sure through your words that they have no doubt that you are the responsible party and that you know it and there is no excuse.

At some point, you should offer to get the help that you need to fix the problem if possible. Offer to go to counseling by yourself, or with your spouse. If your spouse will not attend counseling, tell them that you completely understand. Be honest because if the tables were turned, you also would have a hard time forgiving your actions.

Tell them that you are going to do it anyway, alone, because you could never live with yourself if you ever hurt anyone else like this again, and you are sorry that it happened and even if the relationship cannot be repaired, you are going to get the help that you need to over come whatever the situation is. Accept if you cannot fix the problem and say the words, “I am sorry.”

Then move on, and from this day on act like a person who has received forgiveness. From yourself, from your God, from whomever you need it from even if the exact words have not been spoken. You must move past this time in your life, demonstrating how you have learned from your actions by living a good life from this day forward.


That is it. That is all you can do. If the person you hurt isn’t willing to forgive you that is not something that you can change. You will have to accept the person’s way of dealing with whatever you did, but you can still move on. You can gain strength through getting the help that you need and being a good person now.

Even if your spouse acts out in a bitter way, do not become bitter, do not act out harshly, just accept things and move on holding your head high. The one thing that is certain is that you are a human. Humans make mistakes, and humans can over come mistakes. Forgive yourself and move forward.

Just because you made a mistake, does not mean that you are generally a bad person. Cheating on your spouse does not make you a bad mom, dad, or employee. It makes you a bad spouse.

If your issue is something like drug addiction, then the above may not be a true statement, however, the fact is you can get the help you need to make all the days going forward better. Do not allow others to torture you for the rest of your days over past mistakes but do be understanding of their mistrust that you have changed. Prove to the people you have harmed via your actions that you have changed and eventually they will believe.

Almost any thing that you do deserves forgiveness if you truly want it and ask for it with a clear heart and mind. Even if the only person who is doing the forgiveness is you- you deserve it.