Ramona dreaded serious or important discussions with her husband. Although Matt often told her how smart she was, she didn’t think he listened to a word she said. He became defensive, difficult, argumentative, as he tried to make her feel guilty when she had the audacity to try to discuss things. Well, that was how she felt. If he told her one more time how perfect he was, she was going to scream.

If she thought her situation was difficult, her friend Peggy’s was worse. Peggy had been married to Leon for a number of years. She’d had to contend not just with him, but with his parents and younger sibling, too. They all bullied her, ran her down, and abused and neglected her needs. When she considered leaving years ago when the children were small, he had threatened to take the children away from her and testify in court that she was an alcoholic. And his parents would back him up. She stayed not because she was a bad mother, but because she couldn’t let Leon’s parents raise her children.

Leon exhibited characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder. No one was more important than him. He was so self-absorbed that he couldn’t see anything or anyone else. His parents backed him up on that. Why, Peggy was lucky to have him, he said more than once.

She’d had enough. Leon wouldn’t get counseling, wouldn’t deal with the issues. One day she put his belongings on the back step with a directive: Leave, and don’t come back.”

She’d had enough of him and his ways. “He always had to be the center of attention,” she confided to Ramona. “And still does! He THINKS he’s superior to everyone else.” The term ‘insensitive’ didn’t begin to cover it.

Ramona frowned. “Matt blows up every time I try to talk to him.”

The longer the two women talked the more unsettled Ramona was. The symptoms that Peggy described fit Matt. Looking back, she noted the red flags she had missed somehow. “When his job performance was criticized, he quit. Walked off the job. I didn’t notice the pattern back then.”

“You need to get out of that,” Peggy advised. “It’s only going to get worse. You said he won’t go for counseling.”

“No. He won’t.” She remembered saying she couldn’t leave until all of the children were grown. Now she didn’t think she could leave because their adult children would feel responsible for Matt. She didn’t want them to be burdened with him. But it was getting harder for her to stay in the marriage. She couldn’t handle the depression that hung over the household. It affected everyone. If she was the glue that held the family together, they could be in trouble because she felt so oppressed.

Matt and Leon are perfectionists. Ramona and Peggy are healthy achievers.

A perfectionist:
· Standards are beyond reach and reason.
· Anything less than perfection is unacceptable.
· Failure and disappointment drive them to become dysfunctionally depressed.
· Lack of energy arises from fear of failure and disapproval.
· Mistakes confirm unworthiness.
· Criticism causes them to become defensive.

A healthy achiever:
· High standards are challenging.
· Process is as rewarding as outcome.
· Bounces back quickly from disappointments and failures.
· Anxiety and fear of failure are at reasonable levels.
· Mistakes mark learning and growth, not failure.

Peggy searched for a new home. She settled into a small place adjacent to the police chief in her community. Ramona realized the potentially explosive situation in which she was living. She needed to think through her situation and formulate a plan before she rushed into anything.

The Mayo Clinic advises that narcissistic personality disorder is more common among men, and the primary treatment is psychotherapy. Their self-esteem is at risk and they may not like themselves.

Ramona didn’t want to abandon Matt in his hour of need. She’d certainly denied the problem for a long time. But it was getting worse. She didn’t have the wherewithal to deal with it any longer. She hated to admit it, but she could see his father in him, qualities that she hadn’t liked.

Only a professional can make a diagnosis of such conditions. But just knowing the symptoms can be a red flag to issues that need to be addressed. Everyone is affected by the problems of the people around us: loved ones, friends and coworkers. Talk to someone to see to your emotional well-being when your troubled loved one denies having problems.

We don’t have to be perfect. But we do need to take care of ourselves.