Mediation is preferable to having an all out war in the courts. However, it is not for everyone, and for people it will work for, you might not need it. In order to decide whether a mediator can help you and your spouse come to an agreement you need to look honestly at yourself and your spouse.
Ask yourself a few questions:
1. Do you both agree that you should divorce?
That might sound silly at first blush but the answer to this question can tell you whether mediation will help or hurt. If one of you does not want a divorce the mediation could end up serving as a time sucker and a money waster. If you both know you want a divorce then it might work for you.
2. Do you agree on the fundamentals of divorce such as custody of the children, but need a little help deciding what is fair as far as parenting plans, spousal support and child support?
If both of you have your hearts in the right place but you aren’t sure about some issues but know that you can come to an agreement, and you want someone to write up the paperwork for you, and help you know what is fair and what isn’t, then mediation might work for you.
3. Are you both open minded about the settlement enough to listen to a mediator when they disagree with you?
If you already have your mind made up and your heart set on a certain settlement, and nothing can make you change your mind, there is no point in seeking the assistance of a mediator. You may as well draw a line in the sand and wait for a court date so that the judge can decide. However, if you are willing to be open-minded and listen to another opinion about what is right and fair, then a mediator can really help you.
4. Are either one of you mentally ill?
If either one of you has a mental illness that prevents rational thought or action then there is no point in seeking the help of a mediator. Nothing more needs to be said. It just will not work if one of you is mentally ill. Rational thought is a necessary component in mediation.
5. Are either one of you abusive?
Skip mediation, get counseling, and go to court. Protect yourself, protect your children. Do what you can to prove the abusive behavior to the professionals. Keep records, and practice no contact with the abuser other than what you legally must do as a parent. If the court orders mediation anyway, go, but do not agree to anything under pressure that you believe would put you or your children at risk.
If you are both sane, rational, decent people, mediation can work. In that case, unless you just do not want to go through the hassle of writing the papers yourself, you can just come to an agreement on your own, file, and move on.
