When you’re getting a divorce, you quickly learn the legal lingo about custody. There is Joint Legal Custody and Joint Physical Custody. Joint Legal Custody means that both parents have equal say in decisions affecting the day-to-day lives of the minor children. Joint Physical Custody means that parents share as equally as possible, residential status of their children.

Many parents are afraid to go the Joint Legal and Physical custody route. Many moms are afraid to do it for a myriad of reasons. Many Dads can’t conceive of it. However, if both parents are mentally and physically fit then why not share custody.

Today, some form of joint custody is the presumptive law in almost every state. It is the place to start at which judges, social workers, professionals and parents begin. If there are no objections to the Joint Custody then the parents have Joint Custody. If there is an objection then some other form of custody is usually awarded. The reason is that to have Joint Custody the parents really have to agree. If the parents cannot agree, the arrangement will not work. You cannot force a Joint Custody arrangement on the parents and children if it is not something everyone wants.

Traditional Joint and Physical custody
If possible, live close together so that you’re in the same school district and it is easier for the children to switch. Have two of everything so that the children don’t have to pack anything other than their normal book bag. Switch on a school day such as Friday after school so that planning is just a matter of transportation after school. Stick to the schedule more times than not so that it becomes routine.

House Share
Another idea is that the parents switch homes instead of the children. The parents have their own homes, and then come to do their parenting at the central family home. This requires three homes and it might not be financially feasible for all, but for those that it is, this is an ideal way to accommodate the children. It might be harder to do something like this if you’re remarried and have more children but if you don’t, and you have the money, the will, and motivation this could be something that works for your family.

There is no law that says you have to parent the traditional way. Even when you get a divorce, you’re still a parent and you’re still a family. Non-Traditional families work and succeed too.

Children who have parents that are cordial and even kind to each other fair a lot better after divorce than the alternative. According to a study at Ohio State by Mo Yee Lee children who are in a Joint Custody arrangement where the parents get along the children showed less signs of behavior problems.

Remember that everyone is different. Sit down with the other parent and have a real discussion about what is best for your children. Truly if both of you were equal parents pre-divorce you should remain so if possible post divorce.

Some things to consider when sharing custody of your children:

House Rules- Make the house rules the same or very similar to avoid conflict or confusion. Write the rules together with the parent. Print them out, and post them in each home.

Double up- Purchase double of everything so that the children have less packing. If both parents have toothbrushes, nightie, school clothing, dress up clothing, weekend clothing etc. it will make switches much more smoothly. Nothing will ruin a child’s day more than having to carry a suitcase to school on Fridays. Yes, it costs more to start, but the stress you save will be priceless. You can even purchase extra schoolbooks if needed.

The No wins- If you as parents have a disagreement about something to do with the child, then the NO wins. Example: 14-year-old Suzie wants to date 17-year-old John. Mom says No, Dad says Yes. The answer is NO. Even with less obnoxious examples, the NO should win. Losing parent: Let it go.

Use Technology- Consider purchasing membership to an online calendar or scheduler so that each parent and child can add things to the schedule without playing phone tag or having lost emails. There are some good programs out there. I am in the process of reviewing one of them, if you want information feel free to contact me through my bio page or the message board. Get a good Family Cell plan; include your ex in the plan so that you all can talk free.

Family Meetings- I know this one will be rough on some of you, but if you’re going to have Joint Custody then it is a must. This can be a meeting of both biological parents and kids, or you can include the stepparents too. I suggest including all the people who will be parenting the children because this will lesson the opportunity for children to play one against the other. Yes, your little angel will try if they can get away with it. Try to have at least two a year, but if you can stand more, one a month can work well.

According to Dr. Joan Kelly, the problem with divorce for most children is the loss of contact with one of their parents. Joint Custody with two parents who put aside their differences and get along for the sake of their children will go a long way to keeping both parent/child bonds intact.