What is Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? R.A. Gardner describes PAS in his 1998 book: The Parental Alienation Syndrome, as follows:
"The parental alienation syndrome (PAS) is a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent's indoctrinations and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the target parent."
When Parental Alienation is present usually, the child starts aligning him or herself so closely with the alienating parent that you can hardly recognize any differences of feelings and opinions between the two individuals. The child feels what the parent feels and joins in with the alienating parent in attacks on the other parent, typically without any feelings or acknowledge of guilt.
PAS can happen with the offending parent�s knowledge and without the offending parent�s knowledge. Some parents do it on purpose planning and carrying out a campaign of making the other parent into the enemy of the child. While other parents are so involved in their own feelings and emotions that thoughtless, comments made in front of the child create the same affect as if the parent were doing it on purpose.
Even if your spouse cheated on you and left you for another woman there is no excuse for talking about these adult facts near, around or with the children. Unless your estranged or former spouse is a danger to the children, your failed relationship has nothing to do with your children. This is their parent, as you are their parent, and in the eyes of a child, you are equally important.
Unfortunately, our courts are not equipped to handle such a thing as Parental Alienation Syndrome and it is very hard to prove due to that fact. Many judges, social workers and counselors will admonish both parents to �just get along�, and if you are the parent being alienated it is not so simple. Because in this case, doing the right thing and keeping the children out of the middle by being passive can actually harm you and the children.
If you�re a parent who has accidentally or on purpose committed the sin of PAS please reconsider your actions before it is too late. Your job as a parent is to do your best to raise your child to have high self-esteem, to respect authority, and to be a good citizen of society as well as enable them to have healthy and loving relationships with others. If you participate in turning them against their other parent, you will ruin their chances of ever having a normal relationship with anyone.
You will not only ruin their relationship with their other parent, but eventually it will backfire and your relationship with the child irrevocably broken. Remember, children grow up. They will someday look back on their lives through adult eyes, that are wise and knowledgeable and they will know the truth. They may hate you for what you did. No child should have to hate either of their parents. If you have done any PAS activities please, gather your children together and tell them you�re sorry, it was wrong, you were in pain, but their other parent loves them and you will not do it anymore.
Combat parental alienation syndrome by not doing it yourself. Do not tell the child adult information about your divorce. When your child asks about information that you know has an insulting or bad answer that puts the other parent in a bad light you can divert the questions. Using a kind voice ask the child what she thinks about the situation and then direct her to talk to her other parent about it, all the while keeping your tone non-accusatory and loving.
Combat parental alienation from the other parent by answering a child�s questions truthfully. If confronted by a lie tell the child that the other parent is mistaken, that this is an adult problem, not for them to worry about, and that both you and the other parent love them, and even with a divorce nothing will change. If the PAS becomes especially bad, seek out a counselor for you and your child. Pick one who specializes in parental alienation syndrome. You may also have to combat this problem through the courts and with professional help.
Have your attorney send a letter asking the offending parent to cease and desist in their parental alienation efforts. Sending them a PAS informative pamphlet or website might help too. You can find links to those at the end of this article. Do not allow it to continue without action. You might have to buck the system by filing multiple contempt of court actions when the other parent is determined in their efforts to alienate your child from you. Your lawyer might balk at this idea, but if we don�t act on this situation, the courts will never be aware of what is happening nor seek to stop this behavior.
Do not allow the child to choose not to visit you. It does not matter what age the child is, children do not make adult choices. It is most especially important to spend as much time together in a positive way if one of the parent�s is participating in PAS. Usually a child who is being subjected to alienating behaviors will calm down and enjoy the visit once you get over the first hour or so.
Correct children on bad disrespectful behavior. Remember these words: �That is between your father and me, we love you and we will always do the best that we can for you, now lets go to the zoo.� It may be necessary to be stricter. You might have to send your child to time out or their room multiple times, if they are channeling the other parent too much and attacking you. Keep calm, administer the punishment, and move past it.
Do not lash out at the other parent in front of your child. It will not help, and it can make matters worse. Don�t get frustrated and send the child back to the other parent where they are being alienated. Remember the child is being brainwashed and the stuff they are spouting off is not really their own feeling.
If you witness PAS in your friends, relatives, or acquaintances, tell them that what they are doing is wrong, and it is abusive. Share this article and resources with them.
References, works cited and other information:
Gardner, R.A. (1998). The Parental Alienation Syndrome, Second Edition, Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics, Inc.
