Guest Author - Stephanie L Watson

When you get a divorce your children are suddenly faced with the prospect of having two homes, but not feeling at home in either one of them. There are things that you can do to help your child feel comfortable in both environments even though they have different looks, different people, and different rules. Even though the dynamics have changed, children are very adaptable if given the opportunity.

1)Be supportive of both homes and both parents

Sometimes children who live in two homes have trouble identifying with either home. To make it easier be supportive of both homes as your child's home, verbally and in action. Instead of saying, �Are you ready to go to Dad's house yet?� Say, �Are you ready to go home with dad?� Believe it or not, the words you use, no matter how subtle can have a huge impact on your child's view of the world, especially their world.

2)Do not criticize the other parent

Even when the other parent is doing something you don't agree with, it is important that you do not use your child as a sounding board on which to express your frustration. Unless life and limb is in jeopardy, keep your opinions to yourself or share them with your best friend, not your child.

3)House Rules

It is very important to maintain a united front to the children. Even though you are divorced you are both still parents of the same children; therefore need to put aside your differences by showing a united front. That isn't to say you have to agree with everything your ex does, but a parent has a right to parent their own children in their own way. If, after discussing the issue privately with your ex, you still disagree with how to handle an issue you must explain to the children, without showing judgment over the other parent of any kind, �Dad's house, Dad's rules, My house, My rules.� They will adjust and be better for it.

4)Avoid Comparisons

Many times after a divorce there can be a substantial financial disparity between the two homes. It is best not to be judgmental about this or point it out. If you're able and willing to help out financially to bring up the other home, do so, without expecting a return. But if you can't, and most of the time this is impossible, just refrain from pointing it out. The most important thing to have in a home, is love, not money. This goes for anything that is different; religion, political views, etcetera.

5)Create Structure

Maintain the rules that existed prior to the divorce as much as possible. Maintain your routine as much as possible. Bed time is at 9, dinner is at 6, pancakes on Saturday morning. It doesn't matter what house the child is in, if this was your routine before divorce and there is no reason why you can't maintain that same routine, do so as much as possible. Make sure the child has responsibility in both homes. Chores are good for children, promote structure, give them a sense of ownership, which will in turn elevate their self esteem.


6)Simplify Transitions

Sometimes having a transition object to take from home to home can make the emotional transition easier for younger children. Even older children have a favored blanket or pillow. Allow them to take it from home to home if they want to. However, if financially possible, double up on basics so the child won't have to take huge suitcases back and forth. Ideally the child should be able to go into either house and have a tooth brush, underwear, socks, basic clothing and supplies. Some schools will even allow you to purchase an extra set of books. You may even be able to find the books on the Internet.

7)Create Ownership

Allowing a child some privacy just as any child has in their own home is very important for their future development. Show children they are an important part of each home by establishing the child's own space or room if possible. Children who have their own room, with their own bed, their own computer, or other items to use in each home do a lot better going from house to house. It might cost more, and some may believe your child is spoiled owning two of everything, but it will make life so much simpler for all concerned. Giving a child ownership over their own stuff will make them feel more at home.

8)Where do you live?

Make sure to help your child with this question. Often we forget that children do not know their address or phone number after a move. Make sure to help your child memorize these and don't be offended if the child gets mixed up about which house they are living in at the moment. This is important with both younger and older children and is often overlooked.

9)Listen

When your child wants to talk about what is going on, whether good, bad or indifferent, make sure you listen. Do not tell your child what to think and feel. Just simply listen. Ask open ended questions such as �And what do you think?(feel, need, want).� This works with all kinds of situations and helps a child learn to think situations through using their own logic.

10)Get Counseling

If you and your children are struggling to adjust after divorce do not be afraid or ashamed to seek out counseling. There are counselors who specialize in helping divorced parents co-parent their children and work out problems that may arise. If you know that you and your ex cannot communicate well enough to effectively co-parent your children but you both really want to succeed, consider finding a family coach, counselor or parenting coordinator to help you through it.

Children grow up so fast and when you think about time in terms of your entire life, their youth flies by all too fast. Do all you can to make their childhood as drama free and productive as possible. A friend of mine, Karen Lauseng, once told me something I will never forget, she said, �Remember, you're raising an adult, not a child.�