Guest Author - Lori Phillips
While waiting in a doctor’s office, I read a magazine article about a woman who stewed for 15 years of marriage because her husband never apologized for a minor offense committed early on. “He’ll go to his grave before he can say “I’m sorry” to me,” she fumed. I thought about how this little offense had robbed their marriage of tenderness. How difficult could it be to say “I’m sorry” to the one you love the most?
What makes it hard for people to apologize? Usually, it’s a matter of pride. No one likes to admit fault. People feel a sense of shame, embarrassment and even humiliation when faced with having to apologize. They want to avoid these uneasy feelings. It takes humility to be able to offer a heartfelt apology. It puts one at the mercy of the receiver. Will the recipient of the apology reject the offer? Will he or she rub the victory in your face?
Sometimes, people don’t realize the need to apologize because they do not believe there was an offense committed in the first place. “She’s too sensitive!” “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s her fault she feels hurt over nothing.” True, some people are easily offended and take offense where none was intended. But even if you didn’t mean to hurt someone’s feelings, the fact is that feelings were hurt and you could agree that you’re sorry that feelings were hurt.
Simple, honest apologies are the best. An apology isn’t valid if there are no genuine feelings behind it. Token gifts are meaningless without your honest repentant heart to go along with it. Here are steps to offering an honest apology:
1. Think about the offense. What did you do to offend someone? If you don’t know, ask!
2. Make amends. If something was broken, fix it. If a mistake was made, rectify it.
3. Muster up your humble feelings and say, “I’m sorry for…” Make eye contact, if you can, and don’t clutter up the apology with excuses or self-defense statements. Just say, “I’m sorry.”
4. Admit fault, even if you don’t know exactly the motivation behind your offense. You can say, “I don’t know why I did/said that but I am sorry that it affected you this way.”
5. Although not necessary, a token gift can solidify the truce. A hearty handshake, a warm embrace. The best tokens aren’t material goods. But a bouquet of flowers, however cliché, never hurts.
6. Never repeat the offense or mistake again. The truest proof of your sincere repentance is your new behavior. Having to say you’re sorry again and again for the same misdeed is like erasing the same spot on a piece of paper. After a while, you can wear a hole in a heart, too.
Other ways to say I’m sorry
When a spouse, for some emotional block, just can’t manage the words, be merciful and accept the silent apologies (acts of kindness, changed behavior) when offered. It is the feeling that counts. Some people demand a verbal apology but without action, words are only empty shells. So consider the non-verbal apologies as making good, then forgive and move on.
