One of my readers recently wrote to ask if I could offer suggestions on ways to resolve conflicts in a kindly manner. At the same time they suggested the other person was clueless that they were being presumptuous and self-righteous.

I find tackling this topic challenging, in that there can be many forms of conflict within one relationship, and even more if you multiply it by the different types of relationships we are in. Still, from some recent reading, I find there are several parallels in all conflicts.

I will approach them by asking several questions, that only you can answer.

Is the relationship important enough to save?

There are going to be conflicts in every relationship, even the most loving. When they are small conflicts, we might overlook them because our relationship is more important to us than the inconvenience or discomfort we feel because of the conflict.

However, the total opposite can be said of conflicts that impact on us so severely that we know a change must be made.

Many times change can be made by both parties. It can be how one looks at a situation. A husband constantly belittles his wife by making jokes about the way she cooks or keeps house. She can look at it as his way of being funny. Remember all the jokes that Ray made about Debra’s cooking on Everybody Love Raymond. It’s the sort of thing comedic personalities do, and many people respond to it. Some of the targets of such humor shrug it off because they know everyone realizes the things have been said all in fun.

My own son warned my husband prior to our marriage that he needed to look out when I was serving left overs, and got out the eggs. All the years I’d thought I’d been making creative omelets, and I realized my son may not have thought I was a culinary genius. Since he had survived those years in good health, and his words were not spoken harshly, rather in good humor, I shrugged off the joke.

However, there could be times one may see another’s words as not only disrespectful and demeaning, but also destructive. Jokes about cooking and housekeeping can be hurtful. Especially when spoken in front of the children.

And at times it can be more than jokes. There can be an underlying nastiness to the words. I knew someone who could no longer abide it when her son also started speaking to her in the same manner as his father, who had been saying some pretty nasty things to his wife for years. She finally left both father and son.

I’m not saying that is the solution. It was drastic. I know she gave it some careful thought; but, she obviously felt the relationship was not important enough to save.
However, when the relationship is worth saving, it’s another story entirely. Unfortunately, it is difficult to offer a large number of suggestions to help in the short span of this article. Instead I will offer some resources to go with the few suggestions I am offering.

If the relationship is important enough to save, yet seems intolerable, one must set up boundaries in their life. These can be as simple as saying you only have five minutes to spare when a long-winded complainer calls you, to setting up boundaries in a marriage.

However, this also leads me to the next question one might need to ask themselves.

In what ways have I contributed to the problem?

This again can be simple or complicated. One may have overlooked a problem thus making it seem it really doesn’t matter. Back to the Debra and Ray example. More often than not, Debra overlooked Ray’s humor about her cooking. Perhaps because she knew it was true. Or, perhaps because it was one of his least annoying traits.

Sometimes the problem can be more serious, like with an alcoholic spouse, where overlooking the problem can be seen as endorsing it. Where the accepting spouse becomes an enabler. Or, in the case of an abusive relationship, where the person being abused remains in the situation and does not seek help.

Also, one may have contributed to a problem in more subtle ways. I once worked extremely hard to move into a position of authority, which had superseded that of my ex-husband. The problem was his resentment over my position. I often said if I had not had to quit that position, due to surgery, our marriage would be ended more quickly. But did I contribute to the problem? Maybe I did. Because I had been so drive to prove myself, I disregarded his own lack of motivation, and instead of building him up to the point he could achieve the goal himself, I went after it myself, making it seem like a competition.

Does the person want to change?

This question will likely go unanswered until you are willing to communicate with the person creating the conflict. If you are fortunate they will be totally willing to change. They may have acted in the way that bothered you for so many years, they never realized it was a problem for others. By voicing your discomfort you may spare others the same grief.

Other times, no matter how delicately you put it, you may find the person is unwilling to change their ways. They may see themselves as having no problem? They may even tell you outright you are the one with the problem.

Of course, this can especially be the case if you confront the problem like a paint ball game, shooting those little venom-filled barbs right back at the person. Eventually you’ll both be covered with the tell-tale signs of war.

A request for a change in a person’s behavior must be handled with great diplomacy. One may want to sit down with the person who is causing the conflict, admit one’s part in it, and explain why the situation has become intolerable to you.

And at times, it might be best if it is not handled alone. One may ask a professional or a person who can be objective to serve as a mediator. But the intention must be not to attack one another, rather to openly bring to light that there is a problem and that you care enough about the other party involved to want it to be resolved.

Or, at times actions may speak louder than words. This could be the case in a physically abusive relationship. One may need to leave the relationship to get the point across that the problem must be dealt with. The person leaving may need a strong support group and a counselor or trained professional ready to help if the abuser is willing to accept that help.

As I said in the beginning, this is a subject that is difficult to cover in the short span of an article. However, I believe the following books may also be helpful.

The Boundaries series by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Who’s Pushing Your Buttons by Dr. John Townsend

You can find these books at Amazon below: