Adults have their own way of talking about you. Sometimes they seem to be speaking in code. They talk about you being more “motivated”, “applying yourself”, and “working up to your potential”. And sometimes, if you ask for clarification on what they really mean, the get responses like, “You’re old enough to know what I mean” or “I have told you a hundred times before.” And these answers don’t really help at all.

So, here’s a secret adult decoder on what they usually mean and what to do about it.

Adult phrase #1 “If only you were living up to your potential”
Adults usually say this out of frustration. They know that there is something inside you waiting to come out (no, not “Aliens”-style). They believe that they can see the person that you can become and want that to happen faster. Of course, the first thing that might be a problem is that what you think your potential is and what they think your potential are two different things. Because of that, it might be a good idea to ask what they think your “potential” really is. Just don’t do it right now. Right now, when they are saying this, they are frustrated. Let them cool off and then ask later at an unrelated time.


Adult phrase #2 “You just have to apply yourself.”
Adults say this is because they don’t think that you are working consistently enough. You may work in fits and starts, or forget things, or do stupid things at stupid times. Even you probably know when this happens. If this is the case, you need to decide how much slack you are going to give yourself. Sometimes it looks like you aren’t “applying yourself” because you are disorganized. You may need to do a better job with time management or just cleaning your room or desk or finding your trapper keeper. Or perhaps you are honestly overwhelmed. Sometimes adults say this because they think you should be able to be doing something when you honestly can’t. Instead of getting frustrated and shouting (which will only turn into a fight), ask them for specific help. Not just “I can’t do this” but “I can’t do this because…”

Adult phrase #3 “Do your share” or “Just pitch in”
This phrase comes about because of chores usually. Once you reach a certain age, most parents believe that you should know when you need to pitch in and start helping or cleaning and some teens do. Most don’t. You see, adults have a cleaning-helping-radar affixed to their brains and can’t imagine or remember a time when it wasn’t there. But many teens don’t have this radar and really need some direction. But first, do an honest appraisal of yourself. Do you actually know that the garbage can is piled higher than the fridge and are just ignoring it? Do you avoid the cat box because of the toxic fumes or the cat herself who is mewing pitifully in the corner begging for water or eyeing the goldfish? This would be called “pitching in by noticing these things and, more importantly, doing something about it. But if you feel you are doing that, you might want to ask the adults who are saying this to clarify exactly what they are expecting of you. And it can help to remind them that even adult roommates have to split up the chores so everyone knows what they are expected to do.

Adult phrase #4 “You need to change your attitude” which is very similar to “Wipe that smile off your face”
This phrase is either totally confounding or you know exactly why they are saying it. If it is the latter, I can’t help you. If the is first, here’s some suggestions. If you have been picking up catch-phrases, body language or gestures that seem cool with your friends and then are trying to use them with your family, it will probably be called an “attitude”. These things just don’t translate well. Also, count how many times you roll your eyes, flip your hair or put your hands on your hips. Or perhaps it is the tone of your voice. These things creep in quickly and quietly into our behaviors when we are around different people and can be hard to recognize.

For instance, a group of hundreds of teens attended a conference in Washington DC. They were from all around the country and each had their own way of talking. By the end of the week, everyone was speaking on a southern twang and had no idea they were until they called home. That’s how easily someone’s behavior can rub off on you.

Basically, if adults are saying vague things that adults say to kids, the best way to decode it is to ask (without an attitude, mind you), what exactly they mean. If you ask for clarity in a nice and genuine way, often adults will be willing to help you out.