There is no doubt that the feelings I have for the two children I gave birth to, Parker, now age 8 and Anika, now age 5, differ from the feelings I have for my older kids, my step-kids. Carrying a child in your body for nine months, giving birth, having a tiny person dependent upon you for his or her every need – those are powerfully emotional experiences that cannot be replicated with a 6-year-old or 10-year old child. The connection that a mother has with her biological child is unique.

It’s no surprise that Parker and Anika will always have a different relationship with me than the older kids do. Part of it is the pride of knowing they are carrying my bloodline another generation. The bond is forged when the children are little and you don’t mind using your spit to clean their face (even if they do), or accepting their wet, slobbery kisses. Sharing the same level of intimacy with a 10-year old child you are meeting for the first time is difficult, if not impossible. Perhaps it is the fact that when Parker or Anika said “mama” for the first time, they meant me, not someone else. I have experienced everything with Parker and Anika—first steps, first words, first teeth. Most of those same milestones experienced by the older kids happened long ago – long before I was a part of their lives. Dave has shared much of those experiences with me through family videos, yet there is a lot of detail that cannot be shared.

However, that difference between biological and not is what has made the relationship that I do have with my stepchildren even more precious. (I do not typically refer to them as my stepchildren; I do so here only to draw the comparison. To me, all five of the kids are mine.) I have always been honest with them (since they asked) about my feelings for Parker and Anika. What I have tried to explain to them is that the individual feelings have less to do with biology and more to do with pride in seeing something of yourself mirrored back at you.

Hopefully they will see that what I feel for each of the five of them is unique and special. Derek will always be my oldest son, the one who will first give me grandchildren – the one who helped me learn patience and how to handle a teenager. Kira will always be my oldest daughter, the one whose hand I have held through some rough times but also someone who has become my friend, garage-sale partner and the most-trusted sitter of my babies. Kyle was my first baby. Even at age 6, because of the Down syndrome, he was a small boy who fit in my lap with no effort. He was still very dependent on us to meet most of his needs (including feeding, bathing, dressing and diapering), and I take great pride in having helped him become the independent young man that he is today.

The children I gave birth to were born with a place in my heart that probably existed long before they were even a possibility. But what a joy it has been to come on board this journey with my older kids — to wake up one day and not feel like strangers sharing space in the same house. What a joy to see trust build (on both sides) as we got to know each other and began to truly love each other. We have all realized that biology isn’t everything. My "adopted" children are as much my kids as my birth children are.

I have five children. I may not have given birth to Derek, Kira and Kyle, but I have helped them through nightmares and bad days and illnesses and disappointments. I have shared in their joys and successes, as well as many adventures. That is motherhood for me, too. And I love it.

Derek, Kira, Kyle, Parker, and Anika: I love you. Thanks for making being a mom such a wonderful, rewarding experience.