Last night, while out for pizza, my son went to play in the kids area. Though we watched him and he seemed to be having a great time with the other kids, he soon returned to us in tears. He said there were some boys who were bullying him.

The boys were playing a game of "gatekeeper" wherein you had to know the "codeword" to get into the "clubhouse". My son encouraged them to let everyone in. However, when it was my son’s turn to be the gatekeeper, he said he felt so bad and so mad, that he let all the kids in, whether they knew the code or not, except for the bullies. His conscience really bothered him about that, so he came to us to tell us about what the boys were doing.

My son is a sensitive soul, granted, however, bullies are a real problem. I suffered terribly at the hands of bullies as a child, and I know how awful it can be. My son just wanted to play with the other children, but some of the children felt compelled to be “the boss”.

What can you do about bullies?

It starts with you: Don’t turn a blind eye to bad behavior. "Boys will be boys" doesn’t cut it. I may be on a soapbox here, but how could the parents of the Columbine killers not know their children had an arsenal in their rooms? Their children were bullied, and it started somewhere, somehow. They then turned the tables on their tormentors by becoming the ultimate bullies. Parents must take time to view their child in context and honestly assess character strengths and areas of need.

Educate: Help your child role-play social scenarios. If your child is a child with tendencies toward bullying, come up with some social scenarios where you can help him channel his behavior into socially acceptable criteria. Places like www.addwarehouse.com have wonderful games for helping children build better social skills.

If your child is the one being bullied, role-play some scenarios there, too. Additionally, as parents, we have to stop this, "don’t rat me out" secret society. Kids put pressure on other kids "not to tell". Kids must tell. Sexual predators rely on this "don’t tell" policy. Bullies do too. We must create a climate where it is okay to tell when really bad things happen. When a child is made to feel uncomfortable because the actions of another violate their personal space, a child should be believed and helped through the issue.

Look for the underlying cause: Bullying is about control. If your child has bullying tendencies, let your child be in control of things that he can be in control of. Come up with several acceptable choices in all categories: clothing, music, television, video games, etc. and allow your child to make his own choices.

Don’t make excuses: “Boys will be boys”, "My son is a wimp and needs to toughen up", "They’ll figure it out". Don’t make excuses for your child. And be honest about your environment. If you are going through an illness, divorce, recent death of a loved one, don’t just "chalk it up" to that. Your child may need the expert guidance of a professional to help them deal with the crisis at hand. Many have a stigma about counseling. This is not about you – it is about your child.

Listen: Give your child your time and attention. Sometimes bullying is about the need for attention. No, it is not always the parent's "fault", but let’s be honest, sometimes it is. Are you an attentive parent of a son? If not, you need to be. It is not the school’s job, the church’s, or anyone else’s. If you are attentive and there is still a problem, be honest enough with yourself to consider counseling for your child. Many a parent in denial has only made it harder for a child needing help to get it.

If your child is being bullied, be sure to thank your child for placing his confidence in you. Further, conduct yourself in such a way as to bring the situation to a positive conclusion. Some parents go to school and yell, which only serves to embarrass the child, draw more attention to him, and actually, makes things worse. Some parents go off on the other parent(s) involved, with much the same result. Contact your child’s school. Find out what the policy around bullying is. How does one lodge a grievance? How is the child protected from retribution? What is the timeframe for resolution? Is the resolution enforced? How and by whom? Take notes with names, dates and times for any school meetings or phone calls. Follow up. Be assertive, polite and firm. It may mean many meetings, phone calls and time off. It is worth your time and effort. It is an investment in your child. If you are a single parent, try to barter for childcare so that you can attend meetings when possible. It may be harder for you, but your child notices and it will make a difference to know you believe him and are trying to make things better.

Put a moratorium on junk: Studies have shown over and over that there is a link between violent video games and aggressive behavior (see associated links at right). At minimum, children are "de-sensitized" and after repeated viewings, do not feel the normal emotions one should when exposed to violence. Vegetables you need…violent video games, you don’t…ban them. Further, some music and music videos subjugate and denigrate others, whether women or minorities. This is not acceptable, regardless of how "good the beat" is. You are the parent. You set the rules as to what is acceptable in your home and what will be allowed.

Bullying is a real problem. For many years the prevailing thought was that kids will work it out and they just need to "toughen up". However, in recent years, given the problem of school shootings and the link between them and bullying, schools are taking notice. Talk to your child. Even if he is not a bully or is not being bullied, help him to be a good friend and help others if he sees them bullying or being bullied.