The following list provides comments that have been said to those who have gone through a failed adoption. While many comments are often said with well meaning intentions, take a look at why some of these comments can do more harm than good.
- It wasn�t meant to be.
Even if you believe this statement, the last thing you should do is relate to someone who has just been through a failed adoption. That statement causes hurt, not healing.
- You didn�t even know the baby (or child).
Nothing could be further than the truth. When going through adoption, the moment parents are matched with a referral is the exact moment that they begin to know the child. While not on paper, the child becomes an immediate part of their family.
- You�re lucky because you can always start the adoption process again, even if it doesn�t work out this time.
While it�s true that adoption provides many avenues and options for parents, the statement �if it doesn�t work out� is often said too casually. The �it� in the statement refers to a child; one that a parent(s) thought was their child. A child that they may have held in the hospital or in an orphanage oversees. Adoptive moms and dads often speak of the moment they were matched or given a referral. To have that taken away is losing a member of their family.
- It�s been a while�you should be over this by now.
Using the term �over this� implies that they should be over losing their child. Everyone grieves in different ways and in different time frames.
There are many supportive ways to help your friend or family member who has gone through a failed adoption. Simply saying �I�m so sorry for what you are going through� can be more than enough words. In addition, offering to take care of daily tasks such as grocery shopping and other errands will give them time to heal, without getting bombarded by the questions and statements mentioned above.