9/25/03
Two Blondes with Hammers

Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house.

Becky who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!."
_______________________________________________________________________



8/20/03
Dangers Of Riding A Horse

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the
horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The
horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes
entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby the Wal-Mart
greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
____________________________________________________
Here´s a reverse blonde joke:
The Smart Blonde

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she´s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked
on the street in front of the bank, she has the title, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank´s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the
bank then drives the Rolls into the bank´s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which
comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks
for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
__________________________________________________________________
***
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in
the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to
take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the
gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don´t do it." The
blonde replies, "Shut up, you´re next!"


****
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife
(undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should
I know, that´s 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don´t know; some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."


****
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and
leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this
person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first
blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says,
"You dummy, it´s me!"

*****
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says,
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what´s the capital
of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that´s easy: W."
*****

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"


****
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from
the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state
trooper arrived. My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion
that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma´am?" "Yes, officer, I´m just
fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer
asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the
blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE
pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left and there...." "Uh, ma´am," the officer
said, cutting her off, "There isn´t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was
your air freshener swinging back and forth."


*****
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The
police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with
his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of
the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands,
she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police
for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.

*******
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast
is hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that
I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
___________________________________
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat
regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. When the blonde
returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead by
the third day.
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
______________________
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde
on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You
are on the other side."
_____________________
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at
the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
_____________
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
___________
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could
see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"
_____
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to
kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little
boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow
at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag,
behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the
following note... "Here is your money. I can not believe that one blonde would do
this to another!"

_________________
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took
it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into
the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and
started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a
little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you
doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to
blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said...

"HELLLLO... You need to roll up the windows!"
________________________________________________________________________
June 27, 2002

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row
stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid
blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."