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Saturday, August 16, 2003
Well, Iím not really sure how things are going. Iíve been so busy the past few days that I havenít really taken the time to deal with any of this. Tonyís little boy moved to Texas to live with his Mom, so the past couple of days were spent getting his stuff packed into his Momís car and spending time with them. Now Iím busying myself coming up with cooking food to freeze so that weíll have something decent to eat while Iím recovering. At Tonyís suggestion I will not be working before surgery because he wants me to spend the time with him and getting myself prepared mentally and physically for what Iím about to go through. I feel pretty guilty about that, seeing as Tony and I only recently got back together, moved in together, got a puppy, and got engaged. Things are just so out of control right now. My mind is running in a thousand different directions right now and I canít seem to slow it down.
I keep waiting for a bomb to drop on me and for the realization of what Iím going to be going through in a few weeks to sink in, but it hasnít. I know that the things I have planned that I want to get done beforehand really do need to get done, but I canít help but wonder if Iím intentionally trying to create busy work in order to not think about what I really should be thinking about. This is such a confusing time in my life. Iím not sure what to do with all of this right now. Iím not sleeping at night, Iím up till 2, 3 or 4 in the morning on the computer just vegging out and I know I should be tired because my days are so packed with busy work, but I just canít sleep. Iím a little nervous about being stuck inside for 6 weeks. We live in a third floor apartment so there wonít be any outings for me for quite a while. If I want fresh air Iíll have to sit on the balcony of the apartment and hope that does the trick.
I keep wondering why this is happening to me. For as long as I can remember Iíve wanted to be a mommy. I canít help but wonder if God didnít see me as mother material and thatís why he chose this for me, but I know I couldíve done so much better than some women that are blessed with those beautiful bundles of joy. During times like this people tell you all sorts of things, but itís hard to talk to someone who hasnít been through an experience like this because no matter how hard they try, they just donít get it. I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason, and what doesnít kill us makes us stronger, but that doesnít make the pain I feel any less real. I am trying so hard to force myself to realize that I will never have a child, but the thought of that is so surreal to me. I have this horrible fear that Iím going to be fine and then Iíll have the surgery, come home and this will all hit me and Iíll wonder what in the hell have I done. That is one of the scariest things to me, no matter how many books you read or how many people you ask, can you really be prepared for the aftermath of something like this when you have no idea how itís going to feel?
Speaking of books I finally broke down and ordered some of the ones I found on the Internet, just to give me some idea as to what this will be like. Iím not really sure what some of these people were thinking when they titled these things. One in particular that I ordered calls us Castrated Women. Now, while in theory that may be the correct label, to me that seems just a little bit harsh. And whatís up with this idea that once a woman has a hysterectomy she is no longer a woman? There is so much more to being a woman than having a uterus and ovaries, how can anyone be so insensitive as to even suggest such a thing? There is just so much about society that I donít understand. Why canít people be a little more considerate when it comes to things like this? Wouldnít they want at least that much respect if it was themselves or a loved one that was going through something like this?
After suffering two miscarriages, Polycystic Ovarian Disease, endometriosis, and Graveís Disease, Amanda has chosen to have a hysterectomy to relieve her pain. She had surgery on September 9, 2003.
Check back daily for new installments of ďAmandaís Story.Ē