Guest Author - Kathie LoMonaco
My goal on this website is to always be tapped into the pulse of my readers - and have my ear to what they are interested in - the articles they want to read. Overwhelmingly, my article on 'Infidelity' has been the most popular and read article of any other article I have written. Of course, this tells me that there is a lot of heartache going around in relationships - and that betrayal such as this hits us at the core of our being.
As far as I'm concerned, aside from the death of a loved one, there is no greater trauma than to find out your 'significant other' has been seeing someone else.
In light of the aforementioned, and in particular due to the current media frenzy detailing the astonishing, alleged/supposed 'double life' debacle of Tiger Woods -I am re-printing here (with some tweaking) one of my most popular articles while, simultaneously, one by one his so-called mistresses seem to keep coming out of the proverbial woodwork to spill the beans on their liaisons. The victims in this tragedy are the children, and his wife, who never asked to be thrust into the national spotlight and dissected under a microscope and humiliated. Here, then, is one of my most-read and most-requested articles on the subject of 'serial cheaters'.
If you read my article entitled, 'The Ultimate Heartburn - Infidelity', you would have noted that I mention there was a newspaper columnist who ran an ad on a website saying she was a married woman looking to have an affair with a married man, just to see how many responses she would get. Faster than you could say "I did not have sex with that woman", about 60 married men had replied to her bogus ad. This columnist was absolutely floored.
My personal opinion of married men who cheat is -- to kick them to the curb - the sooner the better. Of course, you have other options if you feel that you cannot live without the lying cheat. But, then, be forewarned that repeatedly you will most likely suffer more of the same. It will be just a matter of what your personal threshhold for pain is - before you decide that you do not want to throw away another good year to wait and see if he's going to live up to his promise to be faithful to you. Why do men cheat? It's a deficiency deep within them - it has nothing to do with you.
These men have issues - deep-seated issues. These issues are not going to go away in a month or two. Sure, they got caught and now they are on their best behavior. But, how long will it last? until you start feeling comfortable - and look the other way -- then, one day - whammo...you're back to where you started from. The phone rings - the person on the other end just listens to you while you say 'hello'. No response. You finally hang up....wondering. Then, you quickly dismiss it. To ponder it too long might bring back unpleasant feelings and memories.
I was involved in a relationship once, long ago, where my 'significant other' would wait until a three-day weekend was upon us - then he would cleverly initiate an argument about some insignificant thing on Friday; one particular time it was over a bottle of soda - and off he would go to join his paramour for their three-day fling. Oh, I was too naive at the time to realize it was a very methodically planned outing. I was not even aware that he was cheating on me. Silly me, I actually agonized over how I could have handled the situation differently. Ladies, this is not normal. It's not normal to have to 'rehearse' how you will behave ahead of time; or to rehash what you could have, should have, said. And, sometimes, just for effect I guess, he would throw my nicely sliced pot roast with all the trimmings, up against the wall. Who was left to clean up the mess - both emotionally, mentally and physically? me, of course.
The heel is just looking for the 'hair in the egg', so to speak. He's waiting to pounce on just the right moment when he makes you feel like - it's your fault! so that, you can be the one to feel guilty while he's off having a wild time for himself. Some of these philanderers are so adept at lying, deceiving, concealing - it just comes as second nature to them. They're not suffering - you are the one who is.
I was involved with two of these 'serial' cheaters in my life. I don't miss the pain of being in those negative, destructive relationships one iota. Yes, they made me wiser - they also made me older - in the respect that I wasted many years of my life on each one, thinking, or hoping, one day they would change. I realize in hindsight they were both deficient in a main ingredient needed as a building block in a relationship -- values. They were deficient in character, good character. They did not have the value system that I did. In my book, lying, cheating, manipulation and deception are not qualities you want to see in your 'significant other'.
So, the bottom line here is - you don't have to put up with it. If you do decide to stick it out, however, just be forewarned it will be a bumpy ride. Are you willing to invest years of your life in this bumpy relationship? if so, that is your prerogative. If you have children, then it is somewhat understandable. But, don't feel you are locked in to taking the abuse - and, make no mistake about it, it IS abuse. When your partner is hurting you - and they do not care about your feelings, it is abusive. And, it is seldom a 'one-time' fling situation. But, you might beat the odds and turn your situation around, if your partner agrees to counseling. Without it, I don't think there is much of a chance.
Heck, I know of a couple who work together, sleep together, are each married to other people, but have been going to counseling for their affair for over ten years! how is that for being hypocritical? They go to counseling - together - for the sake of - their individual marriages. How is that for insanity? It's a true story. Who are they kidding, anyway? What is the point?
Okay, I've said my peace. If anyone is interested in dropping me a line by email, I encourage you to do so. I am sure I will be hearing from my readers and gettings lots of feedback on this article. Bring it on. I am curious as to what you, my readers, have to say on this subject.
Women, remember, knowledge is power! Stay empowered - stay healthy.
Hope to hear from you!