No matter what holiday you celebrate in late fall and early winter, chances are your extended family will gather together. You'll see friends from far away. Cards full of cute family photos will line your mantel. Your holiday cards this year will seem so empty, what with only two signatures instead of the traditional "With love from Jane, John, Muffy, Buffy, Lulu and Rover!" You'll steel yourself for all of this. It isn't a big deal. You'll probably have a baby by this time next year, you tell yourself.

You might even believe this for a while. Then it happens. A chance remark from a friend. The site of a belly swelling with life. The "When are you two going to have kids? Don't you like kids?" questions may trigger it. Maybe it is that darned toy store ad. At some point your stoic demeanor snaps and you are struggling to hold back waves of emotion. Tears fall through wracking sobs and you wonder if perhaps you just aren't somehow fated to be a parent.

Depression, grief and sadness are often unwelcome visitors for any couple experiencing infertility. The holidays are a particularly tough time for most of us. Not only do the holidays bring an emphasis on family, they are also a reminder that another year has passed without a baby. Insensitive questions and remarks can make an already difficult situation harder.

Some people will take insensitivity to a whole new level. Avoiding these toxic people is ideal, but in some cases this is not possible. Someone in my life has made a point of making snide remarks and rude comments about my inability to have children. Every holiday, even my birthday, she finds a way to point out that she is a parent and I am not. Sometimes she is direct if no one else is around, "Maybe that is why you aren't supposed to have kids." Other times she is more subtle beause others can hear. I know she is likely to say or do hurtful things, but I can't avoid her any more than I do because of the situation. When it is not possible to avoid that person, you can plan how you will react.

This woman was approaching her due date of her third child when the topic of my 34th birthday came up in a group discussion. I mentioned that this one would be really hard since I was so close to 35 and still no baby. She wrote me an email the next day telling me not to come see the baby when she was born because I might make the new baby sick. Then she invited all my entire family to the hospital without me (I am the only one with germs?). Finally, showed up at my home with the baby just days later -- on my birthday.

I knew the visit was a possibility, so I was able to make my excuses and leave. In other cases I have simply had to grin and bear it, but I prepare myself as much as possible in advance, knowing that chances are SOMETHING will be said.

One very effective way of handling grief and depression is to journal. Writing about how you feel can change the feelings of helplessness and make you feel empowered. Writing out your feelings can also help to calm you and make it easier to stay level in a difficult situation.

Volunteer work can also help. Plan to spend part of your holiday in a soup kitchen or distributing stockings or gifts at a homeless shelter. Not only will you be doing good, you'll feel better. Studies show that helping others actually improves your health and boosts feel good brain chemicals.

If you are up for it emotionally, consider offering respite care during the holidays for foster children. Many foster parents ask for or must use relief foster care during the holidays if they are unable or unwilling to travel with their foster child. You will need to be approved as a foster parent in your area, but this can be a rewarding way to help a less fortunate child at a time when they will also be experiencing grief and sadness due to separation from their birth families.

However you decide to ease the pain, be sure to give yourself some time to grieve. Grieving is not the same as wallowing in misery. But a hot bath and a good cry the night before the family party can help to release the pressure so you can enjoy the holidays without a public crying jag. Give yourself permission to be sad. You are experiencing something very painful - it is normal to be hurting. Put a time limit on how long you will spend on this, then move on to something else so you don't get lost in it.

It is possible to get through the holidays with a minimum if heartache over infertility. When possible, be sure you don't miss out on too many holiday activities as that can also increase your sadness. If all else fails, wear a sarcastic sweatshirt and go to the big gathering anyway!

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