Guest Author - Lynne Chapman
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from
the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state
trooper arrived. My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion
that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK maŽam?" "Yes, officer, IŽm just
fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer
asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the
blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE
pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there
was another tree! I swerved to the left and there...." "Uh, maŽam," the officer
said, cutting her off, "There isnŽt a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was
your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The
police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with
his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of
the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands,
she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police
for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast
is hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that
I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat
regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. When the blonde
returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead by
the third day.
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from all that skipping."
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde
on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You
are on the other side."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at
the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"