Guest Author - Meghann Hodges
The dilemma of breaking off a gay/lesbian relationship might not seem any more challenging than a straight relationship, but you might be surprised at how much more difficult it really can be. The GLBT community is small. Even in big cities, GLBTs are still the extreme minority. The gay/lesbian community is close knit, and for some the only family that they really have. So it often happens that when break ups occur, that you share the same friends and support network as your significant other. Which makes it difficult for one or both of you when the relationship is over. It might leave you wondering…
Is breaking up the right thing to do? Ask yourself this, is your relationship making you more miserable that happy, do you argue over small things that usually didn’t matter? Sure arguing is a part of an healthy relationship, but if you are fighting non stop and can’t even get through the day with out arguing over everything, then your relationship is probably going nowhere. Time to get out the pen and paper and make the dreaded pro’s and con’s list.
Look at the good, with an open heart and mind. If you are angry it might seem hard to lists good qualities about your partner, but now is the time to be fair to him/her and to yourself. When listing the bad, be honest, but don’t list every single fault. No one is perfect, and telling yourself every single reason you get annoyed by your partner probably won’t give you a clear picture on your relationship. If you realize that there is nothing more that your partner can give you, or that the bad out weighs the good. Then you should have a big clue that its not working.
If you had a good relationship that has gone sour because one of you changed, or cheated, lied, etc… Remember that you can’t go back into the past and changed what has happened. You can assess your relationship and decide if there are ways that you can both work it out. If there are, then figure it out and get busy mending things. If not, then try to do the grown up thing and make the split with out finger pointing and nasty head games.
Break ups usually go one of two ways, you either put all the blame on yourself saying things like, “Its not you, it’s me” or “you are too good for me, you deserve someone better”, which really just mean you are done and you want out now! Or, you blame your partner by saying things like “you never care how I feel”, “love isn’t enough”, “you care more about your work than me”, “you’re still hung up on your ex”, and on and on and on….blah blah blah.
It might seem impossible, but you don’t need to blame yourself or your partner. The fact of the matter is, if your relationship is over, it doesn’t really matter whose fault it was in the long run. There really is nothing comforting in telling why you don’t want to be with each other. Don’t ask why it is over, ask how. How can we both move on with our lives with as little pain and regret as possible. The why’s of your relationship might be a good thing to address when you are trying to work things out, but the specific reasons why you are leaving just make parting incredibly painful.
Sometimes a great relationship is really great, until it isn’t. Because it was great at one time, doesn’t mean you have to stick it out and be miserable waiting for things to go back to the way they were. It may sound selfish, but think of your well being more than theirs. You will only have you when things are done and over, so be sure that it is really what you want and what is right for you. Break ups are usually hard for everyone involved, so being clear about your intentions and firm with your decision will hopefully make things smoother and easier for everyone to move on in the end.