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BellaOnline's Married No Kids Editor


Donít Lie About Being Child Free

Guest Author - Previous BellaOnline Editor

Weíve all been tempted. Youíre talking with someone who is prying into your personal life and will not stop questioning you about why you donít have kids.

You think, ďMaybe if I just say I CANíT have kids, theyíll leave me alone.Ē

It may look like an easy way out, but I always advise people against lying about the real reasons they are child free. My reasoning is two-fold.

First, there are many people out there who desperately want children and canít have them. I think it is unfair for us to diminish their personal struggle by claiming we canít have children, when as far as we know we can. To me, it is the same as saying you have cancer when you donít, or lying about your grandmother dying so you can get some bereavement days off at work. Infertility is a medical condition, and if that isnít why you donít have kids you shouldnít lie and say that it is.

Second, it does not further the goal of the child free community to be accepted for our choice not to have children if we lie about our real reasons. You are certainly not obligated to go into too much detail about your decision, but you should at least be honest.

As part of my job, I do a lot of public speaking. I often find myself making small talk with people over lunch or dinner, and in the course of conversation I am often asked if I have kids. I have never once said that I couldnít have children. When people ask, I simply say no.

Sometimes people say something like, ďWell, youíre young. Thereís still time.Ē I usually donít respond to that. If it is a stranger or an acquaintance, then I see no point in clarifying the issue. Once I was asked, ďWell, do you WANT children?Ē I was shocked that a stranger asked me that, but I simply responded, ďNo.Ē And I changed the subject.

I know it can be convenient to use infertility as an excuse. But that answer only creates sympathy for you that, quite frankly, you donít deserve. Of course, there are some people who will feel sorry for you even if you tell them that you donít want kids. At least let them sympathize for the right reasons! (Even though we donít need their pityÖ)

The best thing to do is to create an ďelevator speechĒ about why you donít want kids. Although it is true that children make me nervous and I just need my sleep, I usually avoid telling people that is why I donít want kids. I choose more ďthought outĒ reasons, that canít be misinterpreted as selfish or immature. I usually talk about how many hours I work, and how we love to travel. Sometimes I even say that I donít think we could afford a child. Sometimes I quote statistics and let people know that more and more couples are choosing not to have kids. (There is safety in numbers!)

But I never make up reasons that arenít true. There are so many benefits to the child free lifestyle, you should be able to come up with plenty of real reasons for your decision that will be respected.
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Why Do People Think the Child Free Are Selfish?
You Donīt Want Kids? Explain Yourself!
When You Have Kids...
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