Guest Author - Gwenn Schurgin O´Keeffe, M.D. , F.A.A.P.
A few summers ago, we knew we were in for a long summer when our then 9 year old threw us a curve ball with: “Mom, J is going to sleep away camp this year. You HAVE to let me go next year otherwise I’ll be the only 5th grader in the entire world not going.” She was quite the pneumatic drill on the topic and her attempts at convincing us rather amusing. She’s tried everything from emailing us to leaving notes around the house to borrowing the overnight camp promotional DVD from her friend. The power of the peer had begun.
Peers are good and we need them to develop and thrive. We influence them and they us. It’s really in all our wiring to want to be accepted by our peers and to want to seek out their opinions. Just watching kids in action for even simple, daily interactions you’ll be amazed at how pervasive kids sense the need to be like each other. Our kids get easily energized by what excites their friends from books to sports to movies to food. Peers can also be powerfully negative and get our kids to do things they may not otherwise do if left to their own devices: shoplifting, drinking, drugs, skipping school, bullying, to name a few.
Our goal during childhood is to empower our children so much when they are young in feeling positive and good about their choices that when the stakes are higher they’ll know what to do and be able to say "no". The little stuff in early childhood is practice for the big stuff in the teen years and beyond. And, in many ways, how we handle our kids’ mistakes and decisions when they are young will color whether they turn to us when the stakes are really high.
So, take a deep breath and consider these simple ideas to help you help your kids with their peer negotiations while keeping you in the wings the entire time:
1. Help your kids learn the language to get out of a situation or say “no” to something they are not comfortable with. Role play to give your kids scripts for what to say in different situations. Take turns being different types of people.
2. Many kids think they need to solve their own problems instead of turning to an adult. Help your kids understand this by explaining to them that even adults turn to others for advice when in a tough situation.
3. Kids who feel good about themselves and good about what they do are less likely to get into trouble or mix with the “wrong kids”. Praising our kids often and watching the tone of criticism will help our kids think about themselves positively.
4. If you are worried about the type of kids your child is hanging out with, redirect your kids towards kids and activities that are more positive. At the same time, explain to your child what made you worried or uncomfortable about a particular situation or person.
5. Try to find consistent time to talk with your kids each day, even if while driving to the next activity, just asking “how was your day? Anything you want to talk about?” will give your kids the message you are available.
You can never start too young or with too mundane an event to start reinforcing “good” vs. “bad” peer issues with your kids. In my mind, it’s the simple decisions when our kids are young that will arm them with solid self-esteems and well rehearsed strategies when they are older. For example, if your daughter wants to play the trombone and every other girl she knows is playing the flute, she may feel left out and the other kids may look at her odd for playing a “boy” instrument. Use humor - have her picture what that band would be like with 100 flutes!! Find some role models in the “real” world where girls play instruments that are not thought of as a “girl” choice.
So, find something wonderful that your kids have done today and tell them that you noticed. Find a decision they made that was good, and tell them how proud you are of that. And, if you get a strange look, just smile knowing you hit the nerve that will keep them coming home when it counts.
