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BellaOnline's Midlife Editor

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Married Men & Other 'Heels' Who Cheat


I wrote a previous article on men who cheat - married men (adulterers), narcissists, psychopaths. It has by far been the top-read article I have ever written. I have had thousands upon thousands upon thousands of readers visiting this article. What does that tell you? It tells me volumes - there are a lot of women out there getting their hearts stomped on - used, abused - some discarded for a younger model. Cold - isn't it? yes, Very. I've had my share of dating heartless men such as I've described. Let me tell you why we women wear our heart on our sleeve - and men don't.

Men are not made that way. They do not get emotionally entangled - not like we do. They can have sex and not be in love - or, fall in love. Therefore, they don't have to worry about getting attached. Cheaters usually want a smooth and easy 'thing'. Once you start making plans - or demands - they are usually gone in a blink. That starts to feel too much like a 'wifey' deal. And, of course, they already have that - at home, complete with the kids, the house and the bills; afterall, THAT is what they were looking to escape from for a few hours - with you!

Some years back I went through this - dating a lot of either single/divorced 'walking wounded', or once or twice - met a married guy (who of course hid that significant fact from me). After being on the dating scene for a number of years, I kind of withdrew for a while. Enter my girlfriend who moved back to New York from California after her husband died at a rather young age. She started wanting to get out and date. I tried to warn her that dating nowadays is nothing like years ago - a generation ago - when we were late teens or twenties and for some reason there were more wholesome guys walking the face of the earth back then.

Well, she didn't heed my advice - and she went out like a house afire dating up a storm. She met a guy - I forgot how or where - but he was 'separated' - don't know if he told her he was fairly newly separated (under 6 months is all I remember) - but he started wining and dining her, gifting her very expensive jewelry - and so she felt he was as 'hooked' on her as she was on him. Hmmm, we'll get to that in a minute. Signs did point to that, didn't they?

Well, she would stop by intermittently and fill me in on her new-found love, excitement and joy! All I could think of was - BEWARE of brand new boyfriends bearing expensive gifts - I wanted to scream it to her but I didn't want her to think I was resentful or jealous in any way. I'd been there - done that - and knew she was headed for a fall. I thought maybe I could circumvent her getting hurt - by telling her not too be too available ALL the time - let him know you have a life - or he will eventually scare himself out of the picture. She would have none of my advice. She was THRILLED that he wanted to be with her every single waking minute - that is, when he wasn't at work. It sounded too good to be true - and, guess what? IT WAS.

Flash forward three months into the 'relationship' - and I use the term loosely. That's when he started WITHDRAWING. Yep, 3 months is about the magic time that Cinderella loses her glass slipper and is left on the stairway - alone with her tears. I will never forget one Saturday morning, around 10 a.m., hearing a knock at my door - and when I went to open it - saw my friend with big, dark sunglasses on, scarf over fly-away hair, - rushing in teary-eyed -- to tell me that the love of her life - disappeared into the black hole. She didn't see it coming - couldn't understand it - he was the one who rushed the entire relationship. He insisted on them seeing each other all the time. Now, nothing. He backed off completely - and she could not contact him by phone! That was the ultimate kick in the heart.

Why, why, why? I guess if I could figure it out - I could make a lot of money helping women avoid this type of ending to a once promising scenario. It is a cruel blow - to a woman's heart, self-esteem, self-image.....it plays such havoc with your head. 'Was I too available?' 'was I too willing?' 'was I not available enough?' 'Should I have played more hard-to-get?'....after a while, the tears turn to anger and, eventually, bitterness - 'what the hell did he want, anyway' 'what does he think he's going to find out there?' - 'what IS his problem?'....and on and on.....

Well, not every man is a heel. But, when he's a chronic cheater, you shouldn't and cannot expect (or maybe anticipate is a better word) that this guy is going to sign himself away to you - there are too many women out there willing to settle for crumbs - for one reason or another - or, should I say, 'sloppy seconds' - and cheaters know that they can (because they usually do) get away with murder. They know, for instance, women outnumber men - and that the ratio of single women to single men is very high. So, therefore, they know there are a lot of lonely women out there - gorgeous, beautiful, Lonely women. And, as they get involved with you - they can pretty much size you up - as to whether you will accept them on a second-hand basis. Once you become physically/emotionally involved, you're pretty much hooked, lined and 'sinkered', so to speak.

There are no easy answers. As I said - not all men hit and run. But, to me - a cheater is a cheater is - a cheater. The one consolation in losing a 'cheater' is that his wife is STILL stuck with him - as he goes looking for his next flavor of the month (or, victim). Do you really want a life with this type of guy? Come on, be honest - of course you don't. You don't want - nor do you need - heartache. Life is too short. You'll be spending more time crying and wondering where he is at any given time when he's not with you - or his wife, for that matter.

Getting back to my friend - she started to act desperate - and I believe 'her' guy felt it - he started pulling away more and more and more. She not only acted desperate - she appeared so desperate as to take any crumbs he was willing to give to her. She started trying to get him back - or re-interested -by showing up at his place of employment. Not a good move. Utter humiliation. I heard they were having trysts in motels. Don't know why when she had her own place.

Then, one day, as she drove past his 'wife's' place - whammo.....the realization hit -- his car was parked in the driveway! I'm sure right there and then she felt the pain and devastation she was trying so hard to avoid - and so hard to accept.

We lost touch after that - she had become bitter and angry and it was not pleasant being around her. The 'heel' would show up from time to time (when it suited HIM) - and she would jump through any hoop for him at a moment's notice. She was not the girl I knew (or used to know) - but then, she wasn't that girl - she had changed. I had held her in such high esteem - and my bubble had burst when she fell off her pedestal. The last I heard - that whirlwind 'thing' she got involved in eventually tapered off to less than a trickle and she had moved away and bought a house - and was still single, but that was some years ago. Every now and then I wonder if she healed emotionally enough to ever want to get into another serious relationship - and if she did, in fact. After all, as I said - she had buried a husband at a fairly early age - then she got flatlined by a speeding locomotive - going nowhere.

You can take this experience and become bitter - or use it to become wiser - Lemons to Lemonade...the choice is ours. We can be more discerning NEXT TIME and date someone who is available -- on our terms! Don't let the relationship get out of balance because it's all downhill from there! Be a little mysterious - somewhat unavailable at times - he will love the chase!






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Content copyright © 2014 by Kathie LoMonaco. All rights reserved.
This content was written by Kathie LoMonaco. If you wish to use this content in any manner, you need written permission. Contact Kathie LoMonaco for details.

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