Guest Author - Kathie LoMonaco
Christie, I want to say to you - please hang in there - "this, too, shall pass". Many women, including me, have been where you are - maybe not the exact circumstances, but at one time or another a good many women have been in your shoes with a past or even present relationship. And, although I know first-hand how this type of betrayal cuts to the bone, don’t give up on men - there are some decent ones out there. Time does heal all wounds. And, now, you're that much wiser.
One day during my prime single years a dear friend of mine said to me - “don’t waste your time on the guys that you keep gravitating to - you want a ‘Sunday’ kind of love”. That phrase really stuck in my head. It really hit home with me because it was, and is, so true.
In the spirit of supporting women as we do here at Bella - but also as a person who does not suffer fools gladly myself, I want to reach out to Christie to let her know she’s not alone - she joins the ranks of so many women who have been dealt a low blow and a lousy deck. Women, for the most part, are trusting - I guess you could say too trusting. At times we seem to have our head in the sand and don’t see something coming - until we get hit right between the eyes.
Christie is certainly suffering from feelings of humiliation, abandonment and disrespect at this difficult point in time - and there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better right now - it was a devastating betrayal - and to add insult to injury a crushing way to have to learn about it!
I paraphrase something here that Christie said on the witness stand, according to the newspaper accounts - she said ...“who is this man who sat down at my dining room table and acted like he just came home from work” - “who is he?” I’ll answer that. Like so many men who have no core value system, no moral fiber, her soon-to-be ex husband went undetected - he flew under the radar - he never really let her get to know - or see - the person that he really was. He was counterfeit. He was NEVER the man you thought he was. If you could have run a scanner on him to see what he looked like on the inside, I'm sure Christie you would have run the other way a long time ago; in fact, you probably would never have given him a second look. But, he’s slick. He found a way into your heart (not to mention your purse) all the while managing to hide his true personna. He lived a lie. You somehow bought into that lie, or possibly looked the other way.
But, my mind wanders to thoughts such as - why was your spouse allowed a free ride? Why wasn’t he made to account for where the money he was making was going? He had a lot of time on his hands - why? And what was that all about when you discovered a bed in your other (uninhabited) home (that apparently had been brought in unbeknownst to you and slept in) with candles set up there to boot! - and the ridiculous excuse given by your soon-to-be ex about how and why it was there. These issues are part and parcel of why he saw that the door was opened for his almost blatant exploitation of your trust. He, unfortunately, was never asked - or forced - to be held accountable, as he should have been. He took your kindness for a weakness. But, still and all, he underestimated you, didn't he?!
* * *
Each of us has to take personal responsibility for whatever part we play in a situation. In Christie’s case, as with most women whose partner’s stray, it would probably be the mistake she made in ignoring the distant bell that was trying to signal to her that she had a big problem. For example, when her daughter, Alexa Ray, took the witness stand last week and relayed a story of how her step-father, Cook, in one incident pulled her out of the shower - and then with only a towel wrapped around her forced her downstairs and stuck her head in a bucket telling her to ‘clean it up’ (the leak that had run through the kitchen ceiling). She went on to say he also criticized her way of eating as well as her ‘putting on weight’ on more than one occasion.
Does this sound like ideal husband material? Absolutely not. That is why I say Christie ignored the distant bell. I’m not here to beat her up. We all make mistakes. This was her fourth marriage and she wanted it to be her last - I’m sure. She ‘wanted’ the ‘picket fence’ scenario. She said she thought she had it. I say - she wanted it so much she fooled herself into believing she had it. It sounds like she looked the other way on some issues she now wishes she would have taken a stand on - and which should NEVER have been tolerated. I'm also somewhat dazed and confused as to remarks Christie apparently made in Court late last week wherein she stated Mr. Cook was 'protective' of their daughter, Sailor - and would not let either her or 'their' son, Jack, "talk" to her (????) Christie - say what??? AND...that her husband would buy little skirts and tops for their daughter and insist on changing her and putting her to bed! Christie, Christie, Christie, did I really hear correctly? think about what you've said - if this is true, something was very wrong for a very long time...
I’m sure Christie now wishes she had given the cad his walking papers a long time ago without wasting precious years of her life on someone who never deserved her to begin with.
Women who write to me with their own personal, heartwrenching problems - stories of their husbands cheating, sometimes repeatedly - ask me what they should do. I cannot advise - but I can give my opinion or 'take' on it, if you will (freedom of speech et al). Abuse takes many forms - physical, mental and yes, emotional. It is emotional (and mental) abuse when your spouse or partner brings a third party into your lives. That was not what you signed up for. Aside from the obvious concern of whether or not these cheating husbands have brought home to their spouses some type of incurable, chronic and/or fatal disease - genital herpes, STD's, gonnorhea, Hepatitis, AIDS - there are so many factors to be considered that I'm sure these cheating spouses never stopped to ponder any of them while they were busy foaming at the mouth and acting like immature, irresponsible, immoral Peter Pan men!