Bragging Myths #6 and #7

Myth #6: GOOD GIRLS DON'T BRAG

I'll never forget the national television images of thirteen-year- old Rebecca Sealfon, winner of the National Spelling Bee, screaming and leaping around the stage in triumph of her hard-won victory. Unlike Patty, the junior banker who resisted telling others about her multimillion-dollar business win, Rebecca was excited and proud. She was happy and confident. She was a female thrilled to tell the world about her success.

She was one of the few. Many talented women today continue to abide by the myth that it's unbecoming and aggressive to promote themselves. Although their parents may have told them they could do anything they wanted, there was also a big but. And that was, but don't celebrate your own glory. It was all right if the boys vied for the limelight and one-upped each other, but girls were taught to share it with others. And even then, it was best not to draw too much attention to themselves.

This disinclination among professional women to self-promote has far-reaching consequences. It can affect referrals, negotiations of work schedule, salary, high-visibility assignments, and promotions, as well as make your blood boil when you see the guys getting ahead faster.

Showing Off Your Real Stuff

Throughout the years, I've worked with many female clients on changing the behaviors that result from the fear of upstaging male colleagues. Once I coached a physician from Harvard who was preparing a presentation to a large conference of her peers. Although only in her thirties, she had a tremendous amount of credibility in her field and a great deal of experience speaking at conferences. Yet when she practiced her presentation in my studio, she didn't come across as an assured, confident academic and scientist. Instead, she rambled, didn't appropriately introduce herself or her credentials, lacked a sense of urgency and excitement about her new breakthrough, and suppressed all of the delightful personality and sense of humor she had revealed in our earlier conversation.

When I asked about her style, she told me she didn't want to appear "too big" or "too braggy." She was concerned that her achievements would make her older and mostly male colleagues feel uncomfortable. What she did as a result was to present an unconvincing and boring recitation of her findings.

Fortunately, when she saw her performance on video playback in my studio, she didn't like what the tape exposed. She decided that she was willing to take the risk of stepping into the spotlight to present a fuller, more authentic version of herself. This didn't translate into acting "more like a man" or changing her personality. Instead, she learned to present her own characteristics with conviction and confidence by using direct eye contact, a sense of humor, and a conversational speaking style. She talked about herself and her credentials with enthusiasm, convincing her audience of the importance of her research. If she believed she was the expert and worthy of recognition, so would they.

Myth #7: BRAG IS A FOUR-LETTER WORD

Brag doesn't have to be a distasteful four-letter word. Someone who is effective at self-promotion brags in a way that isn't obvious to others, and doesn't come across as too self-serving.

Learning to brag is not about becoming something you aren't or trying to put something over on someone. In fact, bragging as an art is just the opposite. It's about becoming more of who you are and bringing forward your best parts with authenticity, pride, and enthusiasm. It's about telling your story in a way that showcases your strengths. It's a way of building a bridge to others and to better opportunities. Seeing it in this light, one woman pointed out that bragging is really a way of honoring our own spirits and who we really are. She noted that we do endless self-bashing along the lines of "I should be this and I shouldn't do that," or "Oh, no, I just got to the top of the publishing world because I happen, well, to be lucky." Instead, for her, bragging has become a way to revel in all the wonderful things she has accomplished.

To see bragging in this way, we have to start by wiping the slate clean and dropping our preconceived notions. As one man recently asked, "I have a boss and all he does is brag about himself. I hate it. Do I want to be one of those people? Is this what your program is all about?" Of course not. His boss is one of those people who have taken it to the extreme, who brag in a way that's annoying. But look at this man's reaction. Because of it, he doesn't brag at all, but becomes upset when recognition passes him by. My message to all of you is simply this: You don't want to brag like "one of them," but that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it at all. Let me show you how to talk about yourself in a way that is sincere and feels comfortable. By doing so, you're going to learn how to brag and get away with it!

Copyright © 2003 by Klaus & Associates, Inc.
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Read the review:
"July Book Club Pick: Brag! The Art Of Tooting Your Own Horn Without Blowing It."