This is a strange revelation for me, but this will be the first Valentineís day ever where I truly feel fine about being single. Iím not fighting back feelings of inadequacy and wondering what have I done wrong or what is wrong with me that Iím not in a relationship. Thereís not even a tinge of it Ė at all. Itís so liberating and it was so accidental. This is the feeling Iíd always been striving for but never could quite attain. And then all of a sudden without even trying, it was there.
Getting to this point is so valuable that I want to share with you what I think happened. What Iíve noticed is that my focus is finally, totally and in every sense of the word on me. You would think that is an extremely selfish way to be but the amazing thing is that itís made me such a more giving, selfless person. For years I was a treehugger and people saver. Interestingly enough, this did not make me the better kind of person I wanted to be. My reasons were skewed and mostly reactions to my childhood, painful experiences, and things I saw that I didnít like in the world. I hardly ever had time for anything though, and my schedule was crazily hectic with all the things ďI must doĒ to fulfill my ďcallingĒ.
I really wasnít choosing what I was doing though I thought I was. I was instead being drawn into actions by unhealthy and reactionary feelings and this eventually led to a subconscious inner divide of resentment. The authentic part of me that wanted to express the truth of what I liked, didnít like, wanted to do and didnít want to do was being seriously oppressed by the reactionary aspect of myself. The result was continued distress internally and externally, marginal at best success in all the things I felt I ďhad to doĒ.
This pattern led to a serious desire for escape and what better escape than within the arms of someone else? Every time I had an upset in my professional life, I yearned for something to soothe me in my personal life until I finally started to get tired of this, especially because substituting wasnít working. The same problems I ran into professionally mirrored themselves on the relationship front and the answer wasnít in escaping, but in facing what I was really conflicted about head-on.
Once I started to examine my life and ask myself the tough, scary questions, like ďcould there possibly be something else totally different that I want to do with my life?Ē and ďcould I be the reason that things are the way they are with me?Ē things began to change. That aching for escape was replaced with a curiosity about what I could do differently to be more of me and all of a sudden I became my most interesting pastime. And thatís the way itís been; the more that Iíve looked upon my life with a simple sense of curiosity and a little dose of personal challenge (hmm, could I actually publish an article in Body and Soul? Ė challenge accepted!), the more fun itís been, the more satisfied Iíve been, and wow Ė the less time Iíve had to miss not having somebody Ė Iím already having a great time with just me:).
Iíve of course, read some awesome books and been directed to others that have been the bringers of the much-needed Aha! moments. Some of them are below:
I reviewed this amazing book here:
What Should I Do with My Life?
Iíve been reading this book and itís insightful, funny, and practical. I highly recommend it!
The writing habits this book promotes have been an amazing help to me. A lot of the things here I had already found my way to, but it was nice to see my strategies reaffirmed and the insight I received in general was great.