I want to make a master list of witty comebacks you use when people start bugging you about why you don't want to have kids, when you're going to start a family, etc. Or when they say, "Oh, you'll change your mind" or "It's different when they're your own."
I will compile the list and keep adding to it from your submissions. They can be things you've actually said, or things you WISH you said! Whether it's funny, practical, sincere, or sarcastic, I want to hear about it!
So let's hear it!
Click on the button that says "Contact" to send me your witty comeback!
Here's what you've sent so far...
NEW! I couldn't believe a guy friend actually said this to me... Him: I think you'd be a great mother, plus you never really know whether or not you truly like kids until you have them..... Me: Hunny, they're not exactly things you can just return to the department store, and they don't give you any credit back if you try!
NEW! I'm often asked, "Who will take care of you in your old age?" My answer: "Your kids will. After all, it's only fair, since I contributed heavily to their upbringing (through taxes -- without the deductions, picking up the slack left by parents at work, etc.)."
NEW! "Why don't you want kids?" Since I am the first-born of three (being six years older than my brother and eight years older than my sister), I often say that I don't want kids because my parents had my kids (older children often help raise their younger siblings, and I had changed over a thousand diapers before I was ten).
* I was a guest on a radio talk show, and a listener phoned in and accused me of being a hypocrite. I asked him what I had said that had led him to think me a hypocrite and he replied, "You said that you like kids, but you don't want any. How can you possibly like something and not want it?" I answered, "Well, I'm quite fond of breasts, but ..." The caller was at a loss for words, and the program's host had to take an unscheduled station break to regain his composure.
* OK, you're absolutely right! You've convinced me that everyone should have children, and I'm going to get my vasectomy reversed and produce several offspring, but I'll need you to sign a contract that ensures that if it doesn't work out, you'll take the kids from me and raise them to adulthood.
* How can you be so sure that I'll change my mind? Did you change
yours after you had kids?
* What difference does it make to you whether I have kids? Or is this a
case of 'Misery loves company'?
* When people ask me why I dont want children, I tell them "I have a
twenty-six year old at home that still needs to grow up" (refering to my
* An older relative gushes about her new grandchild, then tells you, "You're next!" At the next funeral of a relative, tell her, "You're next!"
* This came from a 13 year old girl who has done more than her share of babysitting. After someone asks if you are going to have kids, say "After meeting your kids? NO WAY!"
* One of my co-workers, whom I'm not even close to, has made it her "personal mission to change my mind." (whatever!) She recently said, in front of our entire staff, that "I will change my mind" and she hopes it's "not too late." I then retorted with...."Marguerite, when we are done with our meeting, why don't you and I go out at lunchtime and get our nipples pierced?" She gave me a horrified look, sucked in her breath and said "I would never do that! I asked why? She said....I don't want to!" Then I said--"yep, now you know how I feel about having children. I don't want them...I know what it feels like when I want something...and I DON"T want them. Got it?" She hasn't asked since.
* One woman sent an email saying that when people asked her when she was going to breed, her response was "Oh I can't bear children." Talk about a double meaning!
* Them: So - do you have any kids?
Me: No, we've decided not to.
Them: Oh - but you'll change your mind
Me: I hope not, my equipment was recalled.
* It's not like there aren't plenty of people who do have kids. The human race isn't going to die off tomorrow. :-)
* Q: Why don't you want to have kids?
A: Because **I** want to lick the spoon. I finally got exclusive rights to the spoon and I'm not giving them up!
* In response to the "you'll regret it" comments: "If you regret having children, you can always adopt. It's a lot harder to put them back, once you've had them."
* When people asked me when I was going to have kids, I'd always say, "Why? You want an invitation to the conception?"
* "My response to "when are you 2 going to have children?" is: In a loud upset voice...."Crap!!!! I knew there was something I was forgetting to do! I thought I had too much money and free time on my hands, and my house is way to clean. I've felt so rested and there is a certain stickiness missing from my life. I should have known when I wasn't dealing with other humans waste and vomit. That's right, kids are what I need to wreck all this joy I've been burdened with!!!! I'll be getting right on that!!!"
* "'Because I'm not a sheep and do not have to fall in with what society feels is the best for me. Tell me, are your children a joy 100% of the time because my life without them is.' Then go on to tell them all the things you can do without children and ask them to show you what benefits they get from having them."
* When someone asks if you're worried that you'll regret your decision to have kids one day, you can say, "I'd rather regret NOT having children, than regret HAVING children."
* "My husband told his semi-Republican parents that they better vote against Bush, as we won't be giving them any grandchildren if we live in a world where people are silly enough to vote for him :)"
* "Why do you want to know?"
* "I told my parents that if they want to buy a house next door and babysit whenever I have the whim (3 AM on a Tuesday?.....3 weeks in June as I travel through Europe?) I might consider it."
* "Why do you ask, are you jealous?"
* "Why would you encourage someone to have a child that doesn't want one?" (then don't hesitate for the answer, continue with: "Are you the one/ones who encourage all those women to have children who are now taken away from them for abuse and neglect?")
* "Why do you care?"
* One reader just found out her house is in the middle of a heavily polluted area and that in addition to skyrocketing cancer rates, they're also prone to many birth defects. Her new response is: "I dont want to have a kid with 3 eyes and webbed toes."