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Sunday, August 24, 2003
Tony and I spent the entire weekend together. It was nice to do some things together since heís been working a lot lately. Iím getting kind of bored being alone so much. However, we did argue a few times over the weekend. My nerves are just shot right now and any little thing sets me off instantly. I guess itís just the stress of everything going on; Iím like a rubber band ready to snap. I will say that the waiting is killing me. Iím so ready to just get this over with. It seems to be taking forever for it to get here and the longer it seems to take the more anxious I seem to get. Donít get me wrong, Iím not looking forward to this, but I think just getting it over with will offer me some relief. Iím spending all my time right now thinking about it and reading as much as I can, and you can only really do so much of that. I found a couple of really good sites on the Internet for hysterectomy support, much better than any of the books Iíve found so far. The women are so supportive and reply very quickly to any posts.
My concern right now is getting through this with Tony. They say that going through something like this will either bring you closer or tear you apart, and I donít want it to cause problems. I just donít know how to make him see that right now if I seem to be withdrawn itís not because of him, thatís just my way of dealing. No matter how much he wants me to be different, I just have to deal with this in my own way. Iím not trying to hurt him by being this way, itís just me. Iíve even posted on one of the sites with a request for advice for him to help him get through this because I donít want him to feel left out and heís gotten a couple of replies. Iím just at a loss right now, itís so hard to give him the things he needs from me right now because I donít even feel like Iím whole at the moment. Iím hoping that things will improve, I just seem to be so angry right now about all this and I donít know how to do the whole loving sensitive thing. I feel like Iíve been robbed of the one thing that mattered the most to meÖbeing a mommy. Every so often that just smacks me in the face, Iím never going to have a baby. It just seems so unreal. There just arenít words to describe the feeling and I find it very difficult to talk about it because if I allow myself to be vulnerable and cry over this Iím afraid I wonít be able to stop. It just seems easier to keep it to myself. Although, that may not be the best either, since I have been breaking out in itchy little bumps for the past week or so and I have a feeling itís due to stress. Aw, hell, Iím just so sick and tired of all of this, I canít wait until this is over and all of this is behind me once and for all!
After suffering two miscarriages, Polycystic Ovarian Disease, endometriosis, and Graveís Disease, Amanda has chosen to have a hysterectomy to relieve her pain. She had surgery on September 9, 2003.
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