Rita Rudner Quotations

Guest Author - Danielle Hollister

Celebrate National Humor Month with this amusing collection of funny quotations from famous comedians.

by Rita Rudner

"All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names."
"I rationalize shop. I think a lot of women do that. Like, I buy a dress because I need change for gum."
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
"I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours."
"I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them."
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
"If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious."
"If I can't have it all, can I atleast have some of yours ?"
"Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle."
"Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do, because their clothes all button and zip in the front."
"Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other.""
"Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano."
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."
"My mother buried three husbands . . . and two of them were only napping."
"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."
"Saleswomen hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing too: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be."
"The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic."
"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."
"They're trying to put warning labels on liquor saying, 'Caution, alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women.' That's ironic. If it weren't for alcohol, most women wouldn't even be that way."
"We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet."
"You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams."