Guest Author - Rinatta Paries

Abusive Relationships
by Jan Sawyer

Abusive relationships are characterized by extreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games.

The abuse doesn’t have to be physical. Emotional abuse is just as devastating as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognize and harder to recover from. Emotional abuse causes long-term self-esteem issues and deep seated emotional problems for the partners of these abusers. Abuse typically goes through stages that alternate with abuse, declarations of love and promises to change, which serves to keep the victim hooked in the relationship in hopes that it will change.

Abusive relationships progress over time. Emotional and verbal abuse quickly turns to threats or physical abuse, particularly in times of stress. Abusers are generally very needy and controlling people. The abuse escalates when they feel they may lose their partner, or when they see the relationship is ending. Abusers don´t make a choice to be abusive, they are generally doing the best they can given the emotional and psychological issues they face. Most of the time, they are survivors of abuse themselves so, basically, that is all they know.

Does your partner destroy or take your personal property or items of sentimental value, have affairs with others, including your own friends, threaten to hurt or kill you, your kids or pets? Does he/she threaten to use a weapon if you leave him/her. Does your partner push, hit, slap, punch or kick you and/or your kids?

Below are some signs that could help you recognize if you are in an abusive relationship. It’s very important that you see the signs before you get too deeply involved that it’s too late to get out. You may be in an abusive relationship if he/she:

1. Is jealous or possessive towards you.
2. Tries to control you with demands that suit him/her.
3. Tries to keep you from your friends and family.
4. Is violent and loses his/her temper very quickly.
5. Pressures you for sex or expects you to perform activities you are not comfortable with.
6. Abuses drugs or alcohol.
7. Makes you responsible for all his/her failures or shortcomings.
8. Puts the blame on you every time he/she gets angry.
9. Has a history of bad relationships and blames them on the ex-partner.
10. Your family and friends have warned you about this person or advised you that they are concerned for your well-being or safety.
11. You walk on egg shells or re-think everything you do and say for fear of how he/she will react.
12. Makes jokes that humiliate, demean or embarrass you, whether in private or in front of others.
13. Was raised by abusive parents or witnessed abuse in their parents’ relationship.
14. Loses his/her temper frequently and takes it out on you when it has nothing to do with you.
15. You leave your partner repeatedly, only to be drawn back into the relationship over and over again.
16. You have trouble ending the relationship even though it’s what you want or need.

Abusive relationships do not change without sustained individual and couples therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view.

If the abuser is unwilling to take responsibility for their behavior and seek help the only course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is painful, but you cannot allow the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave. Stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control. (75% of women killed by their abusive partners are murdered after they leave.) Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to participate in working though the issues.

Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

More information on how to spot a dangerous man.