Guest Author - Lauren Evans

Oh no. It’s happened. The incredibly boring month of Big Brother is upon us again. It happens every single year, once the housemates have got over the fact that they are on the telly, like, all the time. The most irritating ones (Alex, Bex) have been shown the door and the rest have resigned themselves to grumbling about the hideous unfairness of it all until someone shoves a big cheque in their face and they are besieged with offers of personal appearances at G.A.Y.

So I’m going to keep the round-up this fortnight pretty brief. Two weeks of a very slow BB month to go and there’ll be scandal galore as sheer boredom forces them to perform unspeakable sexual acts on each other or the furniture or themselves (sometimes all three - at least Kinga had the good grace to take it outside)..

Week 8 saw Bex, Rex and Mo up for eviction and sadly, Bex got the chop. Apparently Britain was tired of seeing her breasts, even though she squished them up against the patio doors from time to time for added comic effect. The naked star jumps on the pool edge probably sealed her fate.

Week 9 saw NINE housemates up for eviction, as Dale & Luke were nominated by their fellow inmates, but seven more (Darnell, Rex, Mohamed, Kathreya, Maysoon, Rachel and Stuart) also faced the public vote as punishment for talking about nominations. I don’t understand why this rule is so confusing to the BB contestants. Whether it’s the “Don’t Mention The War!” Basil Fawlty effect, where they are in such a frenzy concentrating on not talking about nominations that they are sent mad and eventually do, or whether they are just plain thickos who believe their secret codes (replacing the names of housemates with football teams) are completely impenetrable to anyone that doesn’t work at Bletchley Park, I am not sure.

Still, it didn’t make any difference to the overall game play, because due to Bex’s eviction the week before, Luke lost any sparkle that he may have once had and was voted off by the public. He gave such a refreshing interview, rather than playing the all-knowing housemate that knew exactly who his friends were and always had his suspicions about the people who nominated him, he spent the whole interview shouting indignantly about everyone else, how betrayed he felt and how the whole process had “shafted” him. Brilliant!

At some point, and I can’t even be bothered to remember when or why, the biggest non-event in Big Brother history occurred. Maysoon, after being completely silent for her entire stay in the house, walked out of the house. Yawn.

Rex’s dumb girlfriend Nicole has come to replace her though, and she is everything I expected she would be – a plastic princess who is absolutely nothing without her man, or her suitcase. Funny of the week – Rex dumbing down to do the Alphabet Challenge slowly so he could join his beloved in Hell, but accidentally being too clever and ending up in Heaven. Nicole trying to do it as best she could, but still failing miserably. Because she is an idiot.