Guest Author - Lauren Evans

What a fortnight we’ve had in Big Brother land! Perhaps unsurprisingly, after Pizzagate/Gobgate, Week 5 saw the instigators of the drama, miserable whiney Jen and self-satisfied Mr. Three-Restaurants Rex were up for eviction. Despite Jen winning lots of airtime throughout the week by stirring up the lust “triangle” between herself, Dale and Stu, the public just couldn’t stand her face any longer and she was duly booted out on that Friday night.

After a tense week in the house and a number of feuds already ongoing – B block vs. Luxury bedroom, Happy Housers (the pleasant to everyone brigade) vs. Team Keeping It Real (the fighty whingers) – it was time to get a new row up and running – Newbies vs. Originals. With the arrival of three shiny new housemates on Jen’s eviction night, rather than welcoming their new buddies with open arms, the originals closed ranks, assuming the newcomers were armed with inside information, secret tasks and other “unfair” advantages. Even “half-breed” Stu was invited onto the Originals side, and a paranoid and vicious whispering campaign commenced, even though the new housemates couldn’t be nominated – what a waste of valuable stirring time!

But the newcomers were not without their own strategies for integration. Newbie Sarah charmed her way into everybody’s good books through some good old-fashioned sexual attention. Even blind Mikey has got the hots for her now, after she engaged him in a few pervy touchy-feely sessions on her tights and high heels. Newbie Mysoon seems to be trying to completely blend in with the wallpaper, presumably thinking that if no-one notices her, they won’t remember to nominate her either – cunning! Newbie Belinda, Belinda, Belinda’s tactic was to say her name three times to everyone, to snore like a demon pigbeast with sinus trouble and to engage in freeform jazz scat singing at every possible juncture. Any ideas who might go next week when they’re no longer immune? Hmmm…

Week 6 saw Mario and Rebecca up for eviction, which kicked off a serious airtime battle. Mario turned into an evil control freak, playing mindgames with the only housemate who still liked him – his long-suffering girlfriend Lisa. Rebecca got her baps out at every opportunity and then iced the cake by coercing Luke into sharing an intimate moment with her in bed. Little did she know that by the time it aired, voting lines had already closed, so it was all in vain! She still won though, and horrible Mario was ejected from the house after receiving 77% of the public vote! Mario (real name Sean) does appear to be for real once you've seen his post-eviction chat with Davina – he genuinely doesn’t realise what a plonker he sounds like with all his dodgy management-speak and the fake “Italian Stallion” image. Impressionable Lisa does nothing to disabuse him of the notion that he is a credible, attractive human being, but now that the folie á deux is over, perhaps she will come into her own and start playing her own game. I’m banking on her getting off with Stu and for a big Gladiators-style fight to kick off between the three of them when they’re all reunited on final night.

But the best could be yet to come as the coming week sees the election of the first ever Big Brother Head of House, and the whole house being divided into Heaven and Hell. BB3’s rich and poor divide caused all manner of sparks to fly, and chances are this year will be no different. As things were just starting to settle down, this is exactly what we need!...